What's The Worst Part About Eating Vegetables?

I was at the supermarket the other day. Speaking of which, at what size does a market become a supermarket? Anyway, I was in the produce section buying some fruits and vegetables. Now we all know that you are supposed to squeeze, smell, rub, or whatever it is you do, each piece before you buy it. Long story short, it wasn't a good day to be a vegetable at the Super Stop n' Shop, particularly the peppers. Each one i picked up was worse than the next.

After a few minutes of going through every last green, yellow, red, and orange pepper I decided on two that were worthy of entering my mouth. As I continued my shopping journey past the canned meat, lasagna noodles, and some wierd asian thing in a can I would never eat I started thinking about my two peppers. They made me think: If every pepper except these two were subpar, then does someone else think they are ok? I can't imagine that anyone would take the yellow pepper with the big brown mark on the side.

So what I am really wondering is whether or not the bad peppers ever get to go home with someone or do they just get tossed in the trash? Do they go to the homeless shelter with the muffin stumps, stale bagels, and stale donuts? And to think, I used to work at a supermarket... Actually I just spent that summer in the huge walk-in freezer keeping cool and eating ice cream.

Answer: The Wheelchairs.

Talk About Embarassing

If any of my loyal readers watch Curb Your Enthusiasm then this story will be even funnier. After a long night in New York City on St. Patrick's Day that consisted of seeing an old friend from Hawaii, seeing a weird electronica band called Stereolab, drinking lots of Guinness, waking up next to some strange girl, and chewing my arm off to get out of there before she woke up, my buddy Tom picked me up in the city and we headed down the New Jersey Turnpike to attend my buddy Jason's housewarming/engagement party. On a side note, I did get to walk through New York's plant and flower district (which I never knew existed) and walk past the original Scores (which, of course, I knew existed). But I digress.

So we are cruising down the New Jersey Turnpike and stop at the Molly Pitcher Rest Area to get some gas and go to the bathroom. I am standing in line in the men's room waiting for the next uninal or stall to open up. It must have been a good day because the handicapped stall opens up and I slide right in. I really enjoy using the handicapped stall, be it number 1 or 2, because there is so much more room and the door opens out. Don't you hate when it opens in and you have to be careful not to rub the back of your pants on the front of the toilet? So I am doing my business and I hear someone trying to open the door. The door is clearly locked so some guy must be a real dick. I finish up and walk out but no one is there. Then I look down and see some guy sitting in his wheelchair waiting to go. Man did I feel like an asshole. I thought shit like that only happens to Larry David. I guess I was wrong.

Sand in the Vasoline

Huge development this morning while sitting at my desk. I actually finished a tube of chapstick. I don't know about you, but this is the first time in my life this has ever happened. I usually lose it or throw it away. If you have ever really used an entire tube of chapstick, then I commend you on your strong resolve to stick with that same tube for so long. In my case, it must have been 10 years.

Tonight on CBS

So I was watching the NCAA tournament last night and hoping the Gonzaga Bulldogs, moustache and all, could pull out the win since I have them in the Final Four. Anyway, a commercial came on for some bad CBS show that only people over 50 watch but is somehow near the top of the Neilson Ratings. The commercial said the upcoming episode was "All-New" and this got me thinking. Has there ever been an episode of a show that was only partially new? Would they maybe splice some of an old episode with a new one? Tonight on CBS, half of last week's "Everybody Loves Raymond" and half of an all-new "Everybody Loves Raymond." I think the networks could save themselves some time and just say "new", we'll get the idea.

Whipped

Just a quick observation I made the other day while driving... Is there anything more pathetic than seeing a car with the license plate with the couple's initials on it? If my wife ever asks me to do that I will divorce her right on the spot. I also saw a guy with a bumper sticker that said "I heart my wife". That also will not fly in my house.

...But I Do Have Good News

Can Al Queda claim the car blown up by a suicide bomber with their car insurance company? Or does Arab-Geico consider it an act of God since they claim Allah told them to do it?

Putting Her In Hover

Ok, so we all know how the Earth spins. Say you wanted to travel from New York to Los Angeles. Would it be more economical to just hover an inch off the ground and wait for the Earth to rotate below you until Los Angeles gets there? I mean, think of how safe it would be. I guess it would take a really long time to go the other direction though. I guess it's not such a good idea.

Dane Cook Was Right

So I finally broke down and went grocery shopping last night for the first time in about 4 weeks. For some reason I was trying to eat everything I had before restocking the shelves...don't ask me why. Anyway, if you listen to the very funny comedian Dane Cook, then you have heard his bit about never leaving your shopping cart unattended at the supermarket. What if someone comes in looking for all of the same items you already put in your cart and just walks off with it? Well this never happens, right? Wrong!!!

I was standing at the deli counter when this cute older woman walks up. She kind of looked like the flat chested lifeguard on Baywatch. You know who I am talking about. Anyway, we smile at each other and then all of a sudden she says, "Shit! I took someone else's cart." She proceeds to storm off in search of her original cart and returns a few minutes later. There was even a little kid's stuffed animal in there.

As I continued shopping I saw the original cart, stuffed animal and all, abandoned at the end of the canned meat/fish aisle. Not only is there some kid crying because he/she lost his stuffed animal, but the owner of that cart decided to just get a new cart and start over.

Lesson to be learned: Never leave your cart alone, there are bad people out there...even at your neighborhood grocery store.

Oh That Bill Gates

Ok, this one is VERY deep so stay with me here. Any of you who used to play Oregon Trail on the Apple II in elementary school knows that the Macintosh used to have the Trash Can on the desktop, which was subsequently ripped off by Windows 95 and renamed the Recycle Bin. My question is whether either name is truly accurate.

A trash can would imply that what goes in is taken away and never comes back, in any form. A recycle bin on the other hand would imply that what goes in is taken away, changed a bit, and reformed into the same thing. So what are we really doing when we delete that word document? If you think you are deleting the document then you should really send it to the Trash Can because you will never see that document again. But, if you are simply clearing the bytes that make up that document so you can use them again for another document then you should send it to the Recycle Bin.

It all depends on your point of view. Are you deleting the document or recycling the bytes that make up the document? Maybe it should be renamed the disposal facility. I just don't know, maybe Al Gore does...