Who Died?

Real quick one today as I leave for my trip to Belgium, Holland, and Luxembourg in a few hours. I was driving home the other day and noticed a flag at half mast. Of course, I asked myself, "Who died?" I had no idea; it wasn't 9/11 and I don't think W died (Although I am skeptical that people would even honor him with the flying of the flags at half mast but that's the subject of another blog post entirely). Then it occured to me; I think all flagpoles should be outfitted with a small marquee at the top with a place for a name so everyone can say to themselves, "Who died? Oh, John Q. Public died. I have no idea who that is but I am going to go home and Google him so I can pay him proper respect."

What do you think? Anyone out there want to invest in my new flag pole company?

Kiss My Grits

They say people should leave the world a better place than when they came into it, right? Most people probably fail to do this. I mean really, what have you done to improve the world? Everyone can't invent the telephone or find a cure for polio. Which reminds me of a funny scene in Curb Your Enthusiasm when Larry David is talking about Jonas Salk's mother (Dora in case you were wondering). He said that when she would go out to lunch with her girlfriends and they would all talk about what their children are doing. My son just bought a car, my daughter just had a baby, my son just got married, and then Mrs. Salk says, "Little Jonas just found a cure for polio." That sure would shut the other yentas up. He was Jewish by the way. I wonder if disliked Christmas songs being played in November too?

Anyway, when I was in 12th grade I had study hall first period of the day. This kind of sucked because you didn't have any homework yet that you could do so you wouldn't have to bring any books home and you still had to come in for homeroom because they wouldn't let you sleep late and come in for the beginning of second period. Idiots. Anyway, we used to sit around talking about stupid things and one day I decided that I wanted to come up with something that would change the world and culture. What brilliant idea did I come up with?

Some sneezes. The following exchange takes place:

"Achoo"

"Bless you"

"Thank you"

"You're welcome"

I wondered why does it have to stop there? I decided that we should add something else to the exchange...something following "You're welcome." And what did I decide should be the next phrase that enters the English lexicon? "Grits." That's right, I thought it would be really funny if we just started saying "Grits."

"Achoo"

"Bless you"

"Thank you"

"You're welcome"

"Grits"

Let's just say it only worked for a week or two before we decided it was the stupidest thing ever conceived by man. But now on to the purpose of my post. My buddy got married a few weeks ago and I just received his thank you note for the the lovely gift I gave him. As I was reading it, I began to wonder why they don't sell "You're Welcome" cards. I would buy these. Wouldn't this be hilarious. And who knows, maybe one day the "You're Welcome" cards will be standard and they will start selling "Grits" cards.

I highly doubt it but one can always hope. And as I lay on my death bed, I can close my eyes knowing that I left the world a better place. Take that Jonas Salk.

O.J. Simpson...Not A Jew

If I did it, here's how I did it... Just kidding, you can't honestly tell me that you wouldn't have bought that book or at least watched the two-part special on FOX. You might say you wouldn't but deep down you know you are curious. But I digress.

That's right folks. It's the weekly daily double. Two blog posts this week because I am in the office. But don't worry I will be out next week and in the following week so you should be able to get your fill of Jordon's Deep Thoughts.

They say there are two subjects you should never discuss at a party: politics and religion. I think I've already discussed the former in this forum so why not dip into the other taboo. Anyway, today's post may be a result of my Jewish upbringing but I think it's time for the airing of grievances of behalf of all Jews out there.

First of all, let me state that I enjoy Christmas songs. Now this probably is a result of there only really being two Hanukkah songs: "Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel" and "The Hanukkah Song". Personally I really enjoy Weird Al's "The Night Santa Went Crazy" and The Waitresses' "Christmas Wrapping". I always sing that latter when it comes on the radio. So what's my beef you may ask? Well when I was driving home for Thanksgiving a few weeks ago I heard Christmas songs on the radio. Bear in mind I was driving home 3 days BEFORE Thanksgiving!!!

You know I can live with the Christmas songs once December starts, I can even live with the Christmas songs starting on Black Friday, but give this Jew a break. I've come to accept the fact that Jews are the minority and it doesn't really bother me when naive people ask me how my Christmas was even though they know I don't celebrate. But use your brains a bit, I mean, even J.C. was a Jew.

So to all my gentile friends, do you start playing the songs earlier and earlier each year just to see what you can get away with and how much you can piss off the Jews? Or do you start playing the songs earlier and earlier each year because you assume there is only one religion? Or do you start playing the songs earlier and earlier each year because you just don't care. I'm betting it's the latter but I welcome your feedback on this Deep Thought because I think most Jews are too scared to ask.

Have a Merry Christmakwanzakah!!! Mele Kalikimaka. Whatever, it doesn't matter.

Bad Seamen

You had to read that one twice, didn't you? Don't worry, the spelling is correct. Well my weekly jaunt around New England continued last week as I spent a couple days in Gloucester. That is pronounced "Glosta" for those of you not well versed in the diction of the region. Did you know Gloucester is the oldest settlement in Massachusetts? 1623 to be exact. Gloucester is also the setting for the George Clooney movie The Perfect Storm. And this brings us to today's post.

The hotel I was put up in was more like a psycho ward than a cheap hotel room. There was no phone, the sheets smelled like vomit, and the only light in the room flickered as if hanging in a long, poorly lit hallway. But as my boss said it was only $60 a night so think of all the money we save on the budget. Yeah, thanks. So in addition to being the oldest settlement in Massachusetts, Gloucester is also the birthplace of the American fishing industry. Did you Gorton's was founded in Gloucester?

So here's the interesting part of my trip. The town claims to have lost over 10,000 fishermen since 1623 to the sea. They recently erected a monument along the promenade entitled Man at the Wheel (see above). In front of the sailor in this picture is a cenotaph (great Scrabble word) listing the names of all the men lost at sea including the members of the Andrea Gail, which was made famous in the George Clooney movie. The city plays it off as how the city is cursed and the men of Gloucester are heroes. Don't get me started on this one again. Maybe the townspeople need to rethink their position. Did they ever think that maybe everyone in Gloucester is just a bad seaman. These men are like lemmings, which is probably one of the greatest computer games ever made by the way. Think about it for a second. 10,000 people die in 383 years. That comes out to one every other week doing the exactly the same thing. No offense Gloucester, but I think maybe your citizens should think about taking a sailing course or two.

I mean really, what's worse than some bad seamen going down?