You're the Next Contestant on The Idiot Show

Real quick one today because, as I've said before, Americans are stupid and I don't want to make your brains hurt. I was sitting in my hotel room in Danvers, MA a couple nights ago and heard on TV that there is a new show called Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? WOW!!! Look what we have come to as a society. The host, Jeff Foxworthy, asks the prototypical American mom some simple question about grammar and she gets it wrong and everyone laughs. I really don't think this is funny. I think if you get any of the questions wrong on that show then you should be fined or put away or something. Totally unacceptable.

Further, that show Deal or No Deal...are you kidding me? It's one of the most popular shows on TV right now. Even the easiest of game shows require some skill: Wheel of Fortune, Family Fued; even Press Your Luck required answering some questions. Deal or No Deal is basically Russian Roulette. Actually it's just pick a number; no skill whatsoever is required.

Think about it America, one of the hardest game shows was Win Ben Stein's Money. The winner of that game only got $5,000 while the winner of Deal or No Deal can win millions. There is something really wrong here. Basically I am still bitter for not getting chosen to be on Jeopardy! but that's another story.

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Provincetown

I've actually hated Subway since I was in middle school and the Indian Subway owner refused to let me redeem my SubClub card because all of the stamps weren't from his Subway. I sent a letter to corporate Subway which took care of everything. That and I got sprayed with water from a puddle from a passing truck. Recently, Subway has amazingly entered into my life:

My roommate Tom was on the same flight from Chicago as loveable former fatso Jared.

One of my favorite commercials on television right now is one featuring Jared and Michael Strahan. Now Strahan claims he is not gay but it doesn't help him that he speaks with a lisp and his line in the commercial is, "Twice the meat without slowing me down."

I ate at a subway on my way to Provincetown, MA yesterday.

Do you see the circle formed here? Provincetown is known for its gay population, Michael Strahan is not gay but probably is and was in a Subway commercial, I ate at a Subway on my way home from Provincetown, I get hit on by gay guys ALL THE TIME!

Anyway... Hey Jared from Subway, listen up. I have a problem with your precious little store. First of all, you wouldn't believe how easy it is to find a McDonald's or Wendy's at a rest stop but if you want to find some semblence of healthy food you shit of out luck. Second of all, when ordering my lunch yesterday (and countless other times) the plastic-gloved worker asks me which vegetables I would like. I say, "Everything except olives." This is followed by, "Do you want hot peppers?" Umm, hello didn't I just tell you everything? The whole point of saying everything is so I don't have to say anything else. And even then I still don't get spinach or carrots. Also, they advertise "The Works" so you don't have to say what you want but even this option doesn't include everything. It's a load of crap I say and it needs to end.

And in case you were wondering...I didn't get hit on by any gay people while in Provincetown. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

You Will Be Missed

Oh Miss May Ninety-Two,
Anna Nicole how I loved you.
Your boobs were fakes,
My heart now aches.
Forever in my memory.

What's In A Name? Part II

You may have seen the story in today's New York Times about New Jersey selling its assets to raise money. State Senator Raymond Lesniak, a Democrat from Union, NJ introduced legislation that would let the state lease the New Jersey Turnpike and Garden State Parkway for up to 75 years, steps that could raise as much as $15 billion in revenue to pay off debts and free up money for other projects. Also, another senator raised another possibility yesterday: leasing or selling the lottery, which generates hundreds of millions of dollars a year.

Can you imagine driving through New Jersey (neither can I), running low on gas, and pulling into the Vince Lombardi rest stop (see previous post) sponsored by Papa John's and eTrade? This would be hilarious. If anything, it might upgrade the terrible food that is always found at rest stops.

So this got me thinking about today's blog post. The origin of place names is pretty well documented. America is named after the Italian merchant, explorer, and cartographer Amerigo Vespucci. Pennsylvania is named after William Penn and his woods. And San Diego is, of course, from the German for a whale's vagina.

Quick, what is the capital of the United States of America? Pretty easy. Washington, D.C. Quick, who is Washington, D.C. named after? Pretty easy again. Our first president, George Washington. So here is my question: what if our first president had a funny last name like, oh to stay with the political theme, Lewinsky. Would we still have named the capital of the United States of America Lewinski, D.C.? Doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Or what if the first president was named George Acey? At the time the founding fathers would have thought to themselves, "Yes, let's call the capital of this great land Acey, D.C. after out first president." How funny would this have been in modern times?

Get it? Acey, D.C. Oh nevermind.

Black Sunday

I really wrestled with the title of this blog post. Like many great writers, I don't give my work a title until I have completed it. This time though, two titles came to me at the same time. The other title was "A Black Sherriff?" made popular in the classic Mel Brooks movie Blazing Saddles. Now I am assuming that you can begin to guess what the subject matter of this blog post is going to be. Yes, it has something to do with the color black. And I can assure you that here at Jordon's Deep Thoughts I never shy away from being politically incorrect, just see my award winning coverage of September 11th and Hurricane Katrina.

As you all should know, this upcoming Sunday is Super Bowl XLI (41 for the Roman numeral impaired readers). Now, my collegues in the media feel the need to write countless stories about two subjects, both associated with blacks and the NFL. It is these two subjects that I will spend the next few paragraphs venting about.

First, unless you have been living under a rock...or don't want anything to do with sports...you know that this is the first Super Bowl to feature a black coach (actually both coaches are black). Personally, the fact that these coaches were black didn't even occur to me until the media brought it up. This was the same as a couple years ago when Donovan McChoke led the Philadelphia Eagles to the Super Bowl. The media quickly said that he would be one of the first black quarterbacks to take his team to the Super Bowl. I think a lot of people have become color blind. They see a lot of these black athletes as simply athletes and only when the media reminds them of their color do we say, "Oh yeah, I guess he is black but so what?" If these minorities want to stop being discriminated against, stop reminding everyone that you are, in fact, a minority. Even Kobe Bryant was quoted recently as saying, "Hopefully there will come a day when we just look at them as coaches and not black coaches." Umm...Hello...that was your big chance idiot and now you haven't made any progress because you fell right into the media's trap. Congratulations.

Second, and this one really pisses me off. Being an engineer with some common sense, I like to use numbers to explain things and support my arguments. The sports media, specifically in football, is always talking about the hiring of minority coaches. Personally, I feel that the most qualified candidate should get the job and I don't think that view is racist in the least bit. I read a book entitled The End of Racism by Dinesh D'Souza where the author speaks of the idea of "fighting racism by practicing it." This all goes back to affirmative action but I am not about to tackle that idea in one blog post.

Anyway, my point is that the media says there are not enough black head coaches in the NFL. I just checked, last season there were 7 black head coaches in the NFL. There are 32 teams. That comes out to 22%. According to the U.S. Census Bureau the percentage of the U.S. population that is black is 12.3%. If you do that math that means there should be 4 black head coaches.

Translation: quit your complaining and everything will be fine.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: this is my blog, if you don't like it or agree with it, don't read it. But please leave me a comment!

Hail To The Bus Driver

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This blog post was originally posted in an AOL Instant Messenger away message in 2000. The details have been changed to make it more understandable to my readers from so many different backgrounds. (I have people checking out my blog from Austria, Spain, and Sweden) Only those attending The Pennsylvania State University would have understood the original post about The Loop.

Remember in elementary school when you were riding the bus to school and all of the bus drivers would wave to each other? Do you think they are really friends? I would bet every bus driver is a walking time bomb waiting to go off. Imagine driving around 40 screaming kids 6 times a day (elementary, middle, and high school AM/PM). Those bus drivers probably hate everybody.

Also, do you think the drivers of the regular school buses shun the drivers of the short buses? And remember those buses with the seat belts? How about the buses with five across in the last row?

I'll also never forget when my friend Mike tied Owen Murphy's shoelace to the seat and he couldn't get it untied before his stop came so the bus driver made him go all the way back to the bus garage where she cut his shoelace. And then he had to walk home in the pouring rain instead of getting dropped off near his house. So that confirms it, bus drivers are just angry people who are friend with nobody, not even their co-workers.

What's In A Name?

In case you didn't know, I have moved to the Stamford office. If you don't watch The Office on NBC then you won't get that joke. But seriously, I did move this past week to a lovely new apartment in Stamford. It's the 6th place I've lived in since moving to Connecticut only 16 months ago. Talk about staying mobile. This only adds 5 minutes to my commute so I can still make it to work in about 30 minutes which is fine.

Anyway, I was driving to work this morning and happened to glance up at one of the signs above I-95.

Quick sidenote: Did you know that in California people say "The 5" instead of simply "5"?

So, the sign said Connecticut Welcome Center, 1 Mile. I have seen these signs a number of times all over the country but I can't say I remember thinking to myself, "I better stop, maybe there will be people in there who will be happy to see me. Maybe give me a small 'welcome gift bag' of goodies only found in that state." From what I can remember from all my stops at rests stops I don't remember anything like this. No balloon arch that says, "Welcome to (Insert State Here)". No cute girls handing out gift bags while wearing some sort of local attire. Usually it's just a dirty bathroom with a couple of vending machines. I think we should start writing out congressmen and state DOTs to remedy this clear violation of advertising integrity. Who's with me???

Mmmm...hamburgers

Happy New Year everyone!!! Hope you and yours had a pleasant holiday season...now go join a gym and get rid of that extra weight you gained. I spent last week gallivanting around Benelux (Belgium, The Netherlands, and Luxembourg). It was amazing. The one thing I noticed while there, besides how hot the prostitutes are in the Red Light District of Amsterdam, was how hot the non-prostitutes are. I would say 99% of the women there are over 5'10" and weigh no more than 125 pounds. Lots of eye candy to go around.

I also realized why the women are so much different there than here in the U.S. and A. They exercise...all the time. Instead of driving to your favorite supermarket or to the Starbucks drive-thru, they ride bicycles. Seriously, they were everywhere. The even have their own lane on the road. The parking lots were filled with bicycles instead of big SUVs.

This experience reminded me of a post I was going to make a few months ago but never got around to it. I was in Burger King and saw something that me very embarrassed to be an American. Here's something interesting for you to ponder:

Gillette introduced their first razor in 1901 (1 blade); the Trac II razor in 1971 (2 blades); the Mach 3 in 1998 (3 blades); Schick introduced the Quattro in 2003 (4 blades); and Gillette countered by introducing the Fusion in 2006 (5 blades). That comes out to 1 additional blade every 25 years or so. Seems okay.

Burger King sold their first hamburger in 1954 and they just introduced The Quad. What is The Quad you may ask? That's right, a hamburger with 4, count 'em, 4 patties. That comes out to 1 additional patty every 15 years or so. Seems okay.

What have we come to as a society? At this rate, by the time I die (100 years old by the way), I will be shaving with a razor with 8 blades and eating hamburgers with 10 patties. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, most girls like a guy clean shaven, right? Too bad they don't like guys who weigh 500 pounds. Most people think the government should probably do something, I say use some common sense and stick to the Mach 3 and Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Mmm, that sure does sound good right about now, doesn't it?

Who Died?

Real quick one today as I leave for my trip to Belgium, Holland, and Luxembourg in a few hours. I was driving home the other day and noticed a flag at half mast. Of course, I asked myself, "Who died?" I had no idea; it wasn't 9/11 and I don't think W died (Although I am skeptical that people would even honor him with the flying of the flags at half mast but that's the subject of another blog post entirely). Then it occured to me; I think all flagpoles should be outfitted with a small marquee at the top with a place for a name so everyone can say to themselves, "Who died? Oh, John Q. Public died. I have no idea who that is but I am going to go home and Google him so I can pay him proper respect."

What do you think? Anyone out there want to invest in my new flag pole company?

Kiss My Grits

They say people should leave the world a better place than when they came into it, right? Most people probably fail to do this. I mean really, what have you done to improve the world? Everyone can't invent the telephone or find a cure for polio. Which reminds me of a funny scene in Curb Your Enthusiasm when Larry David is talking about Jonas Salk's mother (Dora in case you were wondering). He said that when she would go out to lunch with her girlfriends and they would all talk about what their children are doing. My son just bought a car, my daughter just had a baby, my son just got married, and then Mrs. Salk says, "Little Jonas just found a cure for polio." That sure would shut the other yentas up. He was Jewish by the way. I wonder if disliked Christmas songs being played in November too?

Anyway, when I was in 12th grade I had study hall first period of the day. This kind of sucked because you didn't have any homework yet that you could do so you wouldn't have to bring any books home and you still had to come in for homeroom because they wouldn't let you sleep late and come in for the beginning of second period. Idiots. Anyway, we used to sit around talking about stupid things and one day I decided that I wanted to come up with something that would change the world and culture. What brilliant idea did I come up with?

Some sneezes. The following exchange takes place:

"Achoo"

"Bless you"

"Thank you"

"You're welcome"

I wondered why does it have to stop there? I decided that we should add something else to the exchange...something following "You're welcome." And what did I decide should be the next phrase that enters the English lexicon? "Grits." That's right, I thought it would be really funny if we just started saying "Grits."

"Achoo"

"Bless you"

"Thank you"

"You're welcome"

"Grits"

Let's just say it only worked for a week or two before we decided it was the stupidest thing ever conceived by man. But now on to the purpose of my post. My buddy got married a few weeks ago and I just received his thank you note for the the lovely gift I gave him. As I was reading it, I began to wonder why they don't sell "You're Welcome" cards. I would buy these. Wouldn't this be hilarious. And who knows, maybe one day the "You're Welcome" cards will be standard and they will start selling "Grits" cards.

I highly doubt it but one can always hope. And as I lay on my death bed, I can close my eyes knowing that I left the world a better place. Take that Jonas Salk.

O.J. Simpson...Not A Jew

If I did it, here's how I did it... Just kidding, you can't honestly tell me that you wouldn't have bought that book or at least watched the two-part special on FOX. You might say you wouldn't but deep down you know you are curious. But I digress.

That's right folks. It's the weekly daily double. Two blog posts this week because I am in the office. But don't worry I will be out next week and in the following week so you should be able to get your fill of Jordon's Deep Thoughts.

They say there are two subjects you should never discuss at a party: politics and religion. I think I've already discussed the former in this forum so why not dip into the other taboo. Anyway, today's post may be a result of my Jewish upbringing but I think it's time for the airing of grievances of behalf of all Jews out there.

First of all, let me state that I enjoy Christmas songs. Now this probably is a result of there only really being two Hanukkah songs: "Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel" and "The Hanukkah Song". Personally I really enjoy Weird Al's "The Night Santa Went Crazy" and The Waitresses' "Christmas Wrapping". I always sing that latter when it comes on the radio. So what's my beef you may ask? Well when I was driving home for Thanksgiving a few weeks ago I heard Christmas songs on the radio. Bear in mind I was driving home 3 days BEFORE Thanksgiving!!!

You know I can live with the Christmas songs once December starts, I can even live with the Christmas songs starting on Black Friday, but give this Jew a break. I've come to accept the fact that Jews are the minority and it doesn't really bother me when naive people ask me how my Christmas was even though they know I don't celebrate. But use your brains a bit, I mean, even J.C. was a Jew.

So to all my gentile friends, do you start playing the songs earlier and earlier each year just to see what you can get away with and how much you can piss off the Jews? Or do you start playing the songs earlier and earlier each year because you assume there is only one religion? Or do you start playing the songs earlier and earlier each year because you just don't care. I'm betting it's the latter but I welcome your feedback on this Deep Thought because I think most Jews are too scared to ask.

Have a Merry Christmakwanzakah!!! Mele Kalikimaka. Whatever, it doesn't matter.

Bad Seamen

You had to read that one twice, didn't you? Don't worry, the spelling is correct. Well my weekly jaunt around New England continued last week as I spent a couple days in Gloucester. That is pronounced "Glosta" for those of you not well versed in the diction of the region. Did you know Gloucester is the oldest settlement in Massachusetts? 1623 to be exact. Gloucester is also the setting for the George Clooney movie The Perfect Storm. And this brings us to today's post.

The hotel I was put up in was more like a psycho ward than a cheap hotel room. There was no phone, the sheets smelled like vomit, and the only light in the room flickered as if hanging in a long, poorly lit hallway. But as my boss said it was only $60 a night so think of all the money we save on the budget. Yeah, thanks. So in addition to being the oldest settlement in Massachusetts, Gloucester is also the birthplace of the American fishing industry. Did you Gorton's was founded in Gloucester?

So here's the interesting part of my trip. The town claims to have lost over 10,000 fishermen since 1623 to the sea. They recently erected a monument along the promenade entitled Man at the Wheel (see above). In front of the sailor in this picture is a cenotaph (great Scrabble word) listing the names of all the men lost at sea including the members of the Andrea Gail, which was made famous in the George Clooney movie. The city plays it off as how the city is cursed and the men of Gloucester are heroes. Don't get me started on this one again. Maybe the townspeople need to rethink their position. Did they ever think that maybe everyone in Gloucester is just a bad seaman. These men are like lemmings, which is probably one of the greatest computer games ever made by the way. Think about it for a second. 10,000 people die in 383 years. That comes out to one every other week doing the exactly the same thing. No offense Gloucester, but I think maybe your citizens should think about taking a sailing course or two.

I mean really, what's worse than some bad seamen going down?

Like I Said...

Celebrity look alike.

Very Nice!!!

Wow. After a long layoff from blog posting, I am at home in Fort Washington, PA in the good old U.S. and A. I took a couple days off this week since I have some vacation to use up. As you know I have been working in Maine the last few weeks. Last week was Kennebunkport, home of George W. the elder. I imagine it is very nice there in the summertime but not so much in the falltime (see previous post). The Bush compound was on lockdown and there were plenty of black Chevy Suburbans and security cameras at the gates.

I spent the week at the Hampton Inn in Wells, ME. Since it rained everyday and was really cloudy, the boat captain and I were back in port by 3 pm because it was already dark. One day we decided to catch the matinee showing of Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. While watching the movie, which is hilarious by the way, I realized something. I started getting this funny feeling, like I had some sort of connection to the film apart from the constant anti-semetic jokes and then it hit me; my father was staring in this movie. I spend countless seconds wondering what my father does with his retirement. He says that he is never bored and now I know why. Ladies and gentlmen, may I present to you, Alan Cheifet, celebrity look alike.

English Is A Funny Thing

Real quick post today. I am actually in the office. You probably read all of my posts and wonder if I am telling the truth when I say that I spent the last week walking the shoreline. Well here you go, actual photo documentation of me walking the shoreline. This is in Portland, ME to be exact and it was a glorious day. We actually spent the morning looking at harbor seals from a boat. And yes, I was getting paid for all of this.

Quick note that might make you feel better if you are jealous at all. About 30 seconds after this photo was taken I slipped on the rocks and fell flat on my back with my leg bent at a weird angle. Unfortnately for you, because I go to the gym all the time my fall was cushioned by my huge back muscles.

So let me pose this one to you: we all say, "...first of all." And sometimes we say, "...second of all," but that is mostly as a joke to emphasize how important both points are. Now my question is have you ever said, "...third of all?" I doubt it. And if you have you must have sounded like a complete fool. Tomorrow: the correct usage of further and farther.

Have a good weekend!

D.U.I./D.O.A.

Greetings and salutations from our easternmost state. Maine for those of you who are geographically impaired. I have been working up here the past two weeks doing a project for FEMA to re-map the flood zones for the insurance companies. Basically how much money you have to pay in taxes because of how close your house is to high waves. It's actually pretty interesting and I don't have to sit behind a desk. Actually I get to ride around in a boat all day, breathe fresh air, and look at seals. All the while I am getting paid.

So as we were cruising along, the captain and I started discussing drinking...of course. This idea originally came to me while reading my cousin's blog (see below). Here is my dilemma. Let's say you are driving along and you run over a drunk guy who has passed out in the street. Now let's say this guy is really drunk, almost to lethal levels. This could be any college student on a Friday or Saturday night. You call an ambulance and while the guy is being taken to the hospital he dies.

But here is the catch. He dies of internal injuries sustained from the collision but he would have never been hit in the first place had he not been intoxicated. Who is at fault here? Kind of a Catch-22 I would say. If any of my readers are lawyers, soon-to-be lawyers, paralegals, or have any interest in law, then I would really like to get your input on this topic. Personally I would say the drunk guy is at fault for public intoxication. What are your thoughts?

Got Milk?

I was about to write my blog post for this week and my roommate Tom just dropped his cell phone in his bowl of cereal. I wonder if the warranty covers that one? I would go with no.

Also, I have been so busy running around for work that I haven't had a chance to really apply my full creative strengths towards the blog. And now I find out that I will be in Maine all week for work. But hey, I will be sitting in my hotel room all night by myself so there will be plenty of time to get my creative juices flowing. Of course it will probably end up being like Misery and my car will slide off some road and some woman who secretly reads my blog will keep me hostage in her living room all winter.

Anyway, a few weeks ago you may remember that I wrote a post about whether or not blind people cleanup the poop their guide dogs make. Well I have the answer for you. My dad's friend Bob has a blind wife named Kim to whom he posed the question and he passed it along to his wife who happily answered. So here we go:

Yes. Blind people do try to pick up after their dogs. "It" will be found right behind the dog's butt. They usually know when he is dumping, because most dogs do a doodle dance prior to taking a dump. This is where they circle around a few times. Also, they know when he is peeing, because you can hear that. If not peeing, must be a dump.

I would think a problem might arise when the dog is a "walker". Anyone familiar with dogs, knows that some dogs tend to move, or walk, while they are dumping. There may also be an issue if the dog pees and dump at the same time. Hearing the pee, they may be unaware that the dog dumped.

Kim got Oliver [guide dog] from -

http://www.freedomguidedogs.org/

This is a smaller organization which does training at the persons home rather then at some institution. This makes more sense since they are being trained where the dog will be used. I give them money every year. They are a small org, with very low overhead.

So there you go. I kind of feel mad that someone was really able to answer one of my deep thoughts.

My Favorite Day

A little history lesson for you with tomorrow being my half-birthday and all. That's right, tomorrow morning at 6:30 I will officially be 26.5 years old. You can send your e-cards to jordon@comcast.net. Did you know that a half-birthday is one of many unbirthdays, to use Lewis Carroll's term from Through the Looking Glass for any day that is not a person's real birthday?

Quick funny story. When I was in 8th grade my friend Mike would bring in doughnuts whenever he could convince his teachers to let him. Pretty much every class would end with, "Can we have a party tomorrow?" Now that I look back on school, I realize that the teachers just didn't have enough material to teach everyday so they would just let the kids have parties or watch movies that were totally disparate from what we were supposed to be learning.

So I was sitting in English class one day and Mike came by to drop off his baseball uniform. Of course, he had doughnuts with him and tossed one to me across the entire room. The teacher asked him why he had doughnuts and he said it was his half-birthday. Mr. Lower did not like this wise ass answer one bit. But it gets better. One week later Mike stopped by with more doughnuts. Mr. Lower asked him, "Mike, what are you doing here again?" "It's the one week anniversary of my half-birthday."

So you see folks, no matter what the day, there's always reason to celebrate. I'll be expecting another e-card 7 days from now.

Let's Go State

What an insane weekend! I made trip to Happy Valley for TailGreat '06. It was very exciting. I was able to leave work early on Friday, which is a good thing because my brain was ready to melt after a full week of real, actual work. I made it to my brother's apartment around 8:30 in the evening. After a quick hello to drop my stuff off, Leric and I went to one of my favorite eateries from my college days: D.P. Dough. They sell calzones for those of you not familiar. This was my first reality check that I have, in fact, become the "creepy old" alumnus trying to hold on to those days gone by.

I used to order the Happy Valley Zone. It was basically a chicken parmesan calzone. I used to order two because then you got a free can of Coke with it. Anyway, much to my chagrin, they no longer have the Happy Valley Zone. The guy working behind the counter told me that they changed the name of it four years ago. When did I graduate? Four years ago. A small tear began to roll down my cheek.

So after some X-pong (See previous post); about 8 hours of tailgating; some windy beer pong (Beirut for those of you from New England); multiple shotguned beers; some new golf ball/horseshore game that I can't remember the name of but Leric called it Monkey Balls; and getting to sit in the student section for the Penn State-Michigan game (which they lost 17-10); I met my ex-girlfriend at the Lion's Den for a drink. I had never been to the Lion's Den while I was in school and now I know why.

While at the bar I discovered something interesting. Ok. You are at a bar with one friend and it's pretty crowded but you don't know anyone else. You are standing around talking and then your friend says to you that they are going to the bathroom. This leaves you defenseless. Am I the only one who dreads this moment as you are standing there with nobody to talk to? You look around, check your watch, look at your cell phone so it looks like you are important, take a drink, do some quick people watching, take another drink, and then breath a sigh of relief when your friend comes back. Has anyone else ever experienced this? Or do most normal people immediately go up to a stanger and spark up a new coversation? Am I just a total loser? Actually, don't answer that last one. Please let me know your feelings on this.

Note: This feeling can also be extended to any social situation. Think about a family event with lots of old people and distant cousins who your parents know but you have never seen them before but they know everything about you. Maybe a work-related function where you get stuck standing next to someone you never talk to in the office.

Pure Genius

I don't know what is going on in my life recently. My job is actually keeping me busy for 8 hours a day. What's up with that? I've never had a job like this before...very un-Cheifet-like. I have been so busy this week that I didn't even have a chance to do my weekly blog post. So you should feel honored that I am sitting on my couch typing for you right now. I think this is a first.

Anyway, you may have heard that a new movie is coming out entitled "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan." It looks very funny and people have been telling me a lot recently that I look a lot like Borat himself. I mean I do wear a similar bathing suit and the ladies do love me. I don't see the resemblence. Must be the body hair and moustache.

So I was watching Da Ali Show the other night (birthplace of Borat) and he was interviewing some big time Federal attorney. The interview was pretty funny and then got on to the topic of the death penalty. Personally I think the justice system could save a lot of tax payer dollars by just giving the jury foreman a loaded gun. "We find the defendant guilty. BANG!" Done. Cost of bullet: 35 cents. But I digress. Ali G posed a question that I found extermemly worthy of being posted on Jordon's Deep Thoughts.

Ali G: Do you really get a last meal before being put to death?

Attorney: Yes, you really do.

Ali G: So why not just order the all-you-can-eat buffet, then they can never kill you?

Genius I tell you. Pure genius.