Don't Drop The Soap

Hola amigos. Today is quite a day in Jordon's Deep Thoughts. It's the first time in almost 5 weeks that I have had time at work to write a blog entry. I have quite a few ideas in reserve so get ready to start checking weekly again. Work has been absolutely crazy for the last month. I have been working until 6 or 7 every night. No Cheifet has ever had a job that required any more than 50% effort or more than 40 hours per week. Needless to say my parents were very disappointed. But alas, the FEMA project I had been working on since last Halloween is finally finished. Now it's nothing but SCUBA diving in the East River and writing blog posts to keep my faithful readers entertained while they sit at their desks wishing they could be doing something awesome.

So yeah, my August was pretty much the worst month of my life. Parking ticket, speeding ticket (my first), someone punched my sideview mirror and broke it, car engine problems. Oh yeah, and I kind of screwed up at work when I used meters instead of feet. Oops! So September 1 came and it was off to the Dominican Republic with my roommate Tom (see above, center) and my friend John (see above, right, the guy). Never in my life had I truly, sincerely needed a vacation. I'm telling you, DR (as we like to call it) is really cheap and awesome. We drank, we danced, we gambled, we drank some more, we tanned, we met some great people. Actually, I was very close to actually leaving a casino in the black for the first time in my life but the sweet siren song of the roulette wheel spinning gets me every time. Oh well, good times all around.

We shared a room and it turned out to be very nice. I was taking a shower one afternoon after a long day of sleeping and tanning and picked up the soap and, of course, it got me thinking. What is the proper etiquette on using a bar of soap when you aren't in your own shower? You go to a friend's house and want to take a quick shower before going out. You see the bar of soap sitting there...what do you do? If you use it, do you meticulously inspect it to make sure there are no hairs still on it? Do you just use your shampoo foam? That never works. Do you pray there is body wash and if so do you use their loofah sponge too? These are questions that need to be answered.

WWJD? What Would Jordon Do? He would use the damn soap and not worry about it because it's soap, anything that touches it is automatically cleaned, right?

Have a great week...and it's great to be back!

The Road Not Taken, Eh? Part 2

Greetings and salutations from my little office in Connecticut. As promised, here is a detailed account of the interesting and funny things that happened on my recent road trip to Minnesota, Wisconsin, North Dakota, South Dakota, Manitoba, and Saskatchewan. For all of you long time readers of Jordon's Deep Thoughts, or at least since last September (See previous post), you know that I have a little list of things I want to do in my life before I die. Among the many things are to go to all 50 U.S. states and all 13 Canadian provinces, swim in all 4 of the world's oceans, and stand at the extreme points of U.S. My most recent road trip was jam packed with many geographic conquests and other things that most people would never waste $600 and a precious weekend so they can check things off of their list. But screw them...so let's dive right into it.

Last September, my cousin and I spent 28 of a possible 48 weekend hours in a car driving to the easternmost point in the U.S. in Lubec, ME. So the goal of this trip: the northernmost point in the continental U.S., Angle Inlet, MN. A little research and a plane ticket and the next thing I know I am landing at the Minneapolis Airport with about 2,000 miles of driving in 3 days ahead of me. Needless to say, my cousin and I are super excited. And no, we didn't drive on 35-W. I'm an engineer, I knew that bridge was going to collapse. Idiots.

First up, the Twins-Angles game. The Metrodome is a dump...it looked like watching a Nintendo baseball game with the astroturf. High comedy. First thing I noticed is that people in Minnesota really do have a strong accent like in the movie Fargo. My cousin and I tried speak like them the rest of our trip. Also, probably the funniest observation is with the train system in Minneapolis. Most trains/subways have either a ticket taker on the train or a turnstile where you swipe a card. Not in Minneapolis. It's all on the honor system there. You buy a ticket, get on the train, and never have to prove to anyone or anything that you did indeed buy a ticket. And no, we never bought another ticket the rest of our trip. Idiots.

Saturday was quite the day. After a quick stop at a Wisconsin supermarket to stock up on food and drinks we were on our way to Winnipeg, Manitoba. Along the way we stopped at the geographic center of North America in beautiful Rugby, ND. There is a big obelisk marking the spot and that's it. There is nothing else there. We didn't roll into Winnipeg until 11pm and I went right to bed.

Sunday arrived and we had one goal, getting to the northernmost point in the U.S. Destination: Angle Inlet, MN. The Angle (as it's called locally) can only be accessed from Canada. So from Minnesota you actually have to drive into Canada and then back into Minnesota. But that's not even the funniest part -- you have to clear customs at an unmanned border station. That's right, there is only a videophone where you call customs and tell them your information. I hope Al Queda isn't reading this.

So to get to the point you actually have to take a boat because it's located on an island. A guy in the parking lot for the videophone told us to travel down the road to the Angle Outpost Resort and ask for David or Jessica Fandrich who would rent us a boat. So we get in our super sweet Pontiac G5 and travel down the unpaved road. We find David and he is more than happy to take us on his boat, free of charge. We find the point and stone marker (see picture above) but it's on private property and people are home so we don't get out but close enough. Great success!

We leave The Angle and cruise over to Lake Itasca, which is the headwaters of the Mississippi River. It was surprisingly nice. We also cruise past the Longitudinal Center of Canada and the north-south Continental Divide. Who knew that this area of the country was home to so many geographic monuments? Last stop on the trip was the Mall of America. I was at the Mall of America a couple years ago when my flight to Hawaii was delayed and I had to overnight in Minneapolis. The roller coasters were just as much fun this time. That's right folks, there is an amusement park inside the mall. They even have an aquarium now!

So all in all, another awesome trip that has allowed me to check a few things off my list. Next up...I have no idea. I'll just keep exploring and, of course, keep you posted.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Lost Time?

Hi. I have a really good post coming in the next week or two recounting my adventures to the northernmost point in the continental United States. I am still waiting for the pictures from my cousin. This trip was similar to the one described in an earlier post recounting my adventures to the easternmost point in the United States. But I don't want to spoil a future post so I will get right into today's.

I was walking through the kitchen last night and I did something that I always do but for some reason this time it sparked a Deep Thought. Am I the only one who can't stand when there are seconds left on the microwave timer? Who are the assholes who feel the need to take their stuff out before the timer runs down to zero and not reset it? Well, being as I only live with one other person, I knew who the guilty party was. Then I started noticing people at work do the same thing. Come on people. A little decency and microwave etiquette would be much appreciated.

As a result of this observation, I am including a new Jordon's Deep Thoughts feature: the Deep Poll. (that sounds kind of dirty, doesn't it?)

Guest Blogger: My Grandfather

Every once in a while I get a request from a reader to post a blog about a certain Deep Thought they may have come up with. Most recently my grandfather, Roy Zeper, sent me a letter asking if I would do just that. Mind you, Roy Boy is 89 going on 21 and officially the oldest reader of Jordon's Deep Thoughts. Without further ado, I present "You and Your Ancestral Roots" by Roy Zeper (copyright 2006).

How many of your ancestors were alive 100 years ago? The answer...your 8 great-grandparents. How many of your ancestros were alive when Christopher Columbus discovered America? The answer will astound you.

America 1492 began as a good year. There was no industrial pollution, traffic jams, budget deficits, or income taxes [or Jordon's Deep Thoughts, amazing I know]. Also, no small pox, typhus, diptheria, or measles -- these would be gifts from the white man. And then, on October 12th, 3 ships appeared on the horizon. The lookout in the prow of the Pinta sang out "Tierra!" and Columbus raised his telescope. He was about to discover The New World. Have you ever thought about your ancestors who were alive in the year 1492? All 32,768 of them. Yes, 32,768. Let me explain. For example, take your great-great-great-great-great-grandparents. If you built a family tree starting with them, it would trace their decendants until you appear quite insignificantly somewhere along the bottom. Now, let's invert this family tree so you are at the top.

You had a father and a mother. In turn, each of your parents had 1 father and 1 mother (your 4 grandparents). Likewise, each of them had 2 parents, your 8 great-grandparents. Let's assume there are 3 generations in every century and call the first century of your ancestral roots AR1. Basically, this takes us back to 1900 A.D. Now let's continue this magical genealogical journey back another 100 years to 1800 or AR2. Your 8 great-grandparents each had 8 of their own great-grandparents. 64 ancestors; 32 men and 32 women met and had offspring that were responsible for you some 200 years later. If one of them had died before bearing their offspring, you would not be reading this today.

1492, AR5. Now, let's take another step back in time and revisit everyone's favorite explorer [except George Costanza who was partial to DeSoto] Christopher Columbus was busy sailing west to find a shorter route to India, or as many believed sailing west off the edge of the Earth. At that point in our Ancestral Roots timetable, you have a total of 32,768 ancestors walking around somewhere. [Mine were probably doing something awesome]. With these statistics you should consider yourself quite fortunate to be here today. Think of the odds of your existence some 500 years later. If only 1 of these 16,384 men or 16,384 women had died from the plague, famine, war, or disease before they reached maturity and bore their offspring, the chain would have been broken and you would not be reading this.

0, AR20. [Here's a deep thought, would 0 be B.C. or A.D.?] Baby Jesus is hanging out. I picture Baby Jesus to be wearing a tuxedo t-shirt because it means he wants to be formal, but he's here to party. Anyone get that one? The number of your ancestors has mushroomed from 32,768 just 1,500 years earlier to an astonishing 1,152,922,028,894,846,976. This is an impossible total; doesn't population grow? The mathematics are correct. There must be some logical explanation. Let's call it the Zeper Theory.

I Got The Clap

Can you believe that it has been exactly a month since my last post? That's what happens when your job requires you to actually do work. Go figure. Also, last week was spent on a much needed vacation to Mexico with the family. See picture above. And yes, my family is awesome.

Vacation was filled with tons of fun activities. We swam with whale sharks, the largest fish in the sea. They were about 30 feet long and couldn't care less that people were swimming within inches of them. And no, I wasn't scared. We went to an island where the only form of transportation was the golf cart. I think if the USA adopted a golf cart only transportation infrastructure there might be some problems with commute times. Might make working from home more appealing.

Hmm...what else did we do? My brother and I did a little ocean kayaking complete with wiping out on the reef and me cutting my hand. After this incident we tied the kayak around the reef and did a little body surfing. You wouldn't believe how fast you can go when you wear SCUBA fins. And no, my bloody hand did not attract any sharks, although that would have been awesome. We did some SCUBA diving in a cavern in the middle of the jungle complete with stalagmites and stalactites.

Anyway, I noticed something on my way home that really bothered me. Why do people clap when a plane lands successfully? I mean really. Do these people clap when they drive to the supermarket and don't crash? I find the whole thing ridiculous. These are the same people who probably take their time putting their items in the overhead while countless people wait behind them waiting to get to their seat.

This is why I don't take any carry-on items. Just my book and my ticket. I also wait until they say, "Last boarding call for flight 123 to Paradise." This way I can get up, walk right to my seat and sit down. I'm gonna be sitting in that airplane seat for the next few hours, why rush to sit down? Maybe it's for that thin blanket...I don't know.

Who Cut The Cheese?

Don't worry, I can't smell anything as I sit in front of my computer but that sure would be amazing if I could. Come on Bill Gates, get working on that. Anyway, hope everyone had a nice weekend. I spent mine doing a little fishing. I even caught a fish! It was most triumphant. Another quick one today as I don't have much fluff to add.

Let me post this question to you, if you know the answer then please let me know. I was in Subway yesterday ordering my footlong grilled chicken sub on honey oat (probably the healthiest thing you can get other than the 6") and the lady behind the counter asked me what type of cheese I would like. I pretended to look at the selection as if I were really thinking when I already knew I was getting provolone because I enjoy its taste and it isn't as stong as swiss or as boring as american. Then, staring into the cheese bin through the sneeze guard, a Deep Thought occured to me. Why is the american cheese always square and the provolone is always round? Does this affect the curing process? Is it merely so people can identify it without having to smell or taste it? Have you ever seen round american cheese or square provolone cheese? I mean swiss is easy to identify. If you don't know why swiss is easy to identify then I suggest you go out right now and jump off the top of a tall building.

Even wikipedia didn't have the answer and they have everything on that website. So if you know the answer, please let me know. Otherwise, this will have to remain a Deep Thought...

It Doesn't Have a Name

Real quick one today as we started summer hours at work and I don't want to be here any longer than I have to be. First of all, you may have noticed the little map at the top of Jordon's Deep Thoughts has quite a few dots on it now. Apparently people are consistently checking in to see what ridiculous topic I will come up with next. Also, I have been receiving a lot of reader comments recently from people I don't even know. That makes me feel good so keep the praise coming. I want my ego to grow. Can you believe Wikipedia deleted the page I created about Jordon's Deep Thoughts? They said it was garbage. I may try again as worldwide readership is increasing.

On to the post. I was in my hotel room last night in Biddeford, ME and I locked the door and closed that little metal bar thingy that doesn't have a name. You know, it looks like a big U and lets you open the door just a little so you can peer out but usually just makes you curse as you open the door quickly, not realizing it is closed. Anyway, I started thinking, what if I died in the room and the fire department had to get in? You would like to think that it is impossible because the little metal bar thingy is closed. So let's assume they have some tool that lets them open it; what's to prevent a burglar from obtaining the same tool? And honestly, have you ever been in a hotel room where the little metal bar thingy actually saved your life? I doubt it. Just one more thing to make your hotel bill higher.

Jew + Gold = Denim?

Disclaimer: I am Jewish so I can make anti-semetic jokes.

Without the fact that Jews are drawn to gold, the greatest invention in the history of mankind would have never become a reality. I have a little notepad document on my computer at work where I keep track of future blog posts. I only go to it when I am out of material; it's sort of a reserve for emergencies, like Fort Knox. Anyway, the topic of today's blog post was inspired but some show I was watching on Discovery Channel about the greatest inventions in history. You can type "greatest inventions" into Google and find countless lists compiled by people from all walks of life. Most lists will include the telephone (my personal favorite until writing this blog post), the personal computer, or the printing press. Some lists compiled by out-of-the-box thinkers may include the toilet, medicine, or even the wheel.

As you might expect from reading the posts on Jordon's Deep Thoughts, I am an out-of-the-box thinker. I think there is an invention greater than all of these. First, let's examine what makes an invention truly great.

1. Do you use it almost every day?
2. Does the majority of the population use it every day?
3. Is it still around today?
4. Will it be around in the future?
5. Does it make life easier?
6. Has it seemlessly integrated itself into society?

There aren't many inventions that are the answer to all of these questions that haven't already been listed above. So what could I possibly be thinking about? Well, assuming you figured out my little clue, the answer is, of course, jeans!

Jeans were invented by the Jewish tailor Levi Strauss when he moved to San Francisco during the Gold Rush in 1853. Check him out on Wikipedia, very interesting. You are probably wearing a pair right now. They have been around for over a hundred years and I doubt we will stop wearing them in the future. You wear them to school, to work, to play, to go out. You may even have a jean jacket like Marty McFly in Back to the Future. Next time you are walking down the street, just glance around and notice how many people are wearing jeans.

You may not agree with me but just think of life without jeans. Can you imagine living in the early 19th century wearing heavy pants or living in the 18th century wearing tights? Neither can I. So I nominate Levi Strauss to be mentioned in the same breath as Benjamin Franklin, Johannes Gutenberg, and Thomas Crapper (inventor of the toilet, of course).

Now that I think of it, the fork is a pretty good invention but since such a large percentage of the population uses chopsticks instead I put the fork at number 11 on my top ten list. Also, girl's butts look really good in jeans so that's another reason I put them at number 1.

If a Log Falls in the Toilet...

We have all heard the old cliche: If a tree falls in the woods and no one around to hear it, does it make a sound? Of course, the technical answer is yes (unless the tree is in a vacuum) but the philosophical answer is maybe. So I flushed the toilet this morning before my shower and in my half-asleep state I somehow remembered that the shower would be hot as a result. So instead of jumping right in the shower I decided to brush my teeth first and then jump in. Much to my chagrin, the shower was still scalding hot. It was very upsetting.

Anyway, as I was standing there, I thought of a very good Deep Thought. When you flush the toilet, the shower gets really hot. That would lead you to believe that the toilet must use all of the cold water to fill the bowl. But how do you know? Have you ever stuck your hand in the toilet bowl after flushing it? I sure haven't. I guess the easy answer would be to ask a plumber but I feel better letting this philosophical question remain unanswered.

We Just Killed Bambi

Well in case you read my profile, you may have noticed that I turned 27 last Thursday and therefore officially entered my late 20s. I really don't care, it's just a number...besides, I am in the best shape of my life. I mean just look at that picture of me holding up a house.

A couple of things I would like to address in this post. First, I would like to give a special shoutout to loyal blog reader Jennifer who sent me an email the other day saying that she loves Jordon's Deep Thoughts. You have no idea how good this made me feel. I always thought the only people who read my blog were my parents who just kept hitting refresh to get my counter up! The Internet...It's Fantastic!

Second, I was in Maine last week for work. We were doing some post storm inspections of coastal towns. Let's just say there was some damage (again, see above photo). People, living next to the ocean is great and all but don't get mad when your house gets washed into the ocean. I'll live a few blocks from the ocean and sleep soundly at night.

Anyway, during my drive I noticed a dead deer on the side of the highway and, of couse, this got me thinking. Why are the bodies always on the shoulder? I assume the cars hit the animals on the road. Who is moving them to the side? There must be some governmental agency or department that is in charge of removing these carcases. And why don't they just remove it when the move it to the side? I highly doubt every car-deer collision results in Bambi being thrown onto the shoulder. Personally, I have never seen anyone picking up a dead deer and tossing it in the back of a pickup truck. Have you? Is this done in the middle of the night? Do these trucks just drive along every road from 2-5am looking for dead animals?

Now this is one of the great mysteries of the world that needs to be answered? Drive safely loyal readers.

Hokie Nation

Real quick insensitive blog post today as I am about to begin my week-long string of birthday parties. My birthday is Thursday the 26th in case you want to send me something. First of all, let me assure you that what happened in Blacksburg is a true tragedy and I can't imagine what it would be like to know someone who was affected by what happened. And the outporing of support is amazing, even from students at Baghdad Technical University voiced their support. I bet if this happened there that no U.S. Universities would show their support. Anyway, I would rate the following Deep Thought a 9 out of 10 on the "Oh-my-God-you-are-such-an-asshole" meter. But as a journalist I have to ask the tough questions. Can you believe they even removed my page on Wikipedia? I'm still trying to get Jordon's Deep Thoughts listed.

So here we go, and remember that here at Jordon's Deep Thoughts we stick to the motto of: If you don't like it or are offended stop reading and get your own blog.

So they reported that the victims of the shooting would be conferred honorary degrees. So my question is whether or not the shooter will also be given a degree since he was both a senior and a victim? What if his parents asked for it? Sure would put the University in a tough spot. I'm betting he won't get his degree. I mean he was an English major, how hard could it have been anyway?

Epistle to New England Drivers

To my fellow New England drivers:

You SUCK at driving!

Sincerely,

Jordon

P.S. This past Friday I took a little road trip to Boston to catch Armin Van Buuren at Avalon. It's in the shadows of Fenway Park. Ironically, I have stood outside the two most famous baseball stadiums (Fenway and Wrigley) but have not seen a game at either stadium. Anyway, the show was amazing and I was close to starting a fight with the guy who kept bumping into me while I was on my magical trance journey but cooler heads prevailed...luckily for him.

Monday night I had to drive (again) to Plymouth, MA for a meeting. The nor'easter that has been dumping huge amounts of rain on the Northeast slowed driving and made people a lot more cautious, which is understandable. Anyway, I noticed something during my drive(s): New England drivers love to drive in the left lane and just stay there. Did these people not read the driving manual that says the left lane is for passing only.

As a little side note, did you know you can make a left on red only from a one-way to a one-way? The intersection next to my gym is set up this way and I always enjoy making the left here. There is only one other person I know who gets more excited than I do when making a left on red but he will remain anonymous.

Now granted I drive kind of fast but there is no excuse for driving 65 in the left lane when the speed limit is 65. Of course, it doesn't matter which lane you are in because you should never go faster than 65 but that is another story.

So to reiterate my point in this post, New England drivers SUCK at driving. I always thought the stereotype was that New Jersey drivers are bad drivers but I guess that is not true. Thank you for allowing me to vent.

P.P.S. Format courtesy of Epistolary Blog

Survey Says?

So you are at someone's house and you have to use the facilities. You politely excuse yourself and take a seat to take care of your business. What you do in there I don't know but the other day I noticed that I always do something while I'm in the bathroom and was wondering if I am the only one.

Enter you, the reader, to give me a little feedback so I can finally determine if my bathroom habits are Abby Normal. (anyone get that one?)

Are you always disappointed if there is nothing to read such as a Sports Illustrated or Glamour? Some enterprising individuals have written books specifically meant to be read in the bathroom! It would look pretty weird if you were reading Uncle John's Bathroom Reader while sitting on an airplane. Anyway, am I the only one who finds myself opening the little cabinet under the sink and reading the back of the Comet tub cleaner hoping there is something interesting on there that will occupy my time?

"Ooh, one of the ingredients is bleach, I know what bleach is."

Wouldn't it be great if manufacturers of bathroom products put funny, little blurbs on the back of their products for situations just like these? Maybe this is a good idea, maybe I'm just full of crap, I don't know.

P.S. Did you see you can buy a toilet paper roll dispenser that you can plug your iPod in to? This would keep people entertained but they would have to call it an iPoo...

http://www.atechflash.com/products-icarta.html

Ye Olde Lame Name

Happy Friday to all. Sorry for the layoff but I have been sick. I actually had to take a sick day on a day when I was actually sick. I am very mad at myself for this one and I'm sure my dad is very disappointed with me. I'm gonna get right into this one because I really can't think of too much pre-blog-post fluff to include today.

As you know I do a lot of work throughout New England. This week was no different as I made my weekly trip to Gloucester. This week it was much nicer than the -40° F/C I encountered last time. Anyway, if you've ever driven through any New England state you have probably noticed that the town names seem very old fashioned. Also, if you have been to England, or read about it, or watched BBC, you may have realized that a lot of the town names were taken from jolly olde England. Hence New England. Not just a clever name people. Manchester, England...Manchester, New Hampshire. Not a coincidence.

So anyway, I finally decided to do a little research (on company time, of course) into the matter. Just how many names did our forefathers steal from the homeland? With a little help from Wikipedia and some crafty Excel manipulation I arrived at the answer:

Towns in England: 1319
Towns in New England: 1529
Towns with the same name: 210

That means that those lazy old dudes were so lazy that they couldn't even come up with new names for the towns the lived in. About 15% of the town names are the same. I don't know about you, but if I had the chance to settle a new country and kill some Indians in the process, I sure wouldn't name my town Fort Washington (where I am originally from). I would call it Awesomeville, or Cheifetburgh, or Vaginadelphia. That last one has a good ring to it, let's make it the Capital. I mean, you get the chance to literally write the history books but you know what, i'm too lazy and unoriginal, I can't think of anything. Here are some probable conversations had by the original settlers:

"Sally, I just bought us two tickets on the Mayflower. It leaves tonight."
"Between which two ports?"
"Uh...it leaves Plymouth, England tonight at 8 and gets to Plymouth, America in 6 months"
"Plymouth to Plymouth, that doesn't make any sense! Is that a round-trip or one-way ticket?"

(That last line is actaully pretty funny if you think about it)

--Upon arrival in Plymouth, America--

"John, stop kissing the ground, we made it."
"Sally, I know, I am just so happy to be here."
"So we left England to come to this new land? It's hot. What shall we call it?"
"Sally, stop nagging me, I'm taking a nap. How about New England?"

(You see settler John said this as a joke to shut up his annoying wife and the rest is history...or is it herstory???

PS - that photo of me at Stonehenge is in Amesbury, England not Amesbury, Massachusetts

An Inconvenient Irony?

That's right folks, mark up another victory for W and the GOP over everyone's favorite green politician Al Gore. This story just oozes irony and I felt it definately warranted an entry on Jordon's Deep Thoughts. Last week, Ann Bancroft and Liv Arnesen set out to trek 530 miles across the Arctic Ocean to bring awareness to the so-called global warming crisis facing this world today. Bancroft was the first woman to cross the North Pole in 1986 and she and Arnesen were the first women to ski across Antarctica in 2001. Needless-to-say, both women had experience in long journeys through some of the world's coldest locations.

This journey was to bring awareness to global warming by documenting the trip with scheduled updates to school groups via satellite phone. The two adventurers even packed body suits so they could swim in the areas where the polar ice had melted. Now I take exception with this last one. I am assuming a body suit is some sort of dry suit like the one I wear when I go swimming in the East River. These suits are hard enough to get on and off when it's sunny out and you can sit in the company truck. I can't imagine doing this in sub-zero temperatures at the North Pole. And I certainly can't imagine two women doing this. Just kidding, wanted to see if you were still paying attention.

Anyway, their trip came to a sudden halt when extreme cold temperatures and bouts of frostbite got in the way. Oops! According to Bancroft, the outside temperature exceeded -100°F at times. Even in the refuge of their tent, the temperature was still a frigid -58°F. And to think women are better in the cold.

Ann Atwood, an organizer of the expedition, said that Bancroft and Arnesen were "experiencing temperatures that weren't expected with global warming." While keeping her guard up to those who may use this botched expedition as an example to the failed logic in global warming, Atwood said that one of the things we see with global warming is unpredictability.

Yeah, we also see that the fight against global warming just took a step back to the Ice Age. Get it? Ice Age...global warming...nevermind. And then there's the one that Al Gore's electric bill was over $30,000 last year. Sounds like conservation to me.

I think the solution is pretty easy. Let people work from home to save gas and reduce emissions. Does anyone object to this one? I think I am going to run for President with this as the only plank in my platform. What American wouldn't vote for me?

Vote Cheifet '16
Sit on your ass and save gas

Ivy League Driving School

Last Tuesday reminded just how much I hate cold weather. Once again, I had to drive to Gloucester, MA for work. My task was to supervise a surveyor and tell him where along the coast he was to do his work. Very easy stuff but it beats being in the office behind a desk...at least until I got out of the car and felt those single digit temperatures and 30 mile per hour winds. In case you were wondering, the wind chill was around -40°F all morning. For you science nerds reading, -40°F is the same as -40°C.

Anyway, enough complaining, on to today's post. I was driving down the Mass Pike to my hotel in Gloucester and was cutoff by some asshole. If you know anything about me it's that I am a laid back guy and that extends to my driving...but only on city roads. Once I hit the highway I turn into a racecar (palindrome) driver and road rage comes easily. So I notice something that I have always thought about but never had an avenue with which to express my thoughts. Enter Jordon's Deep Thoughts.

Ah yes, the almighty college bumper/window sticker. Nothing wrong with showing some alma mater pride. I always thought it would be funny to get stickers from all of the Ivy League schools and put them on your car. That would basically say that you are smarter than everyone. My dad drives around with his Penn State and University of Hawaii stickers because he is proud of his boys but he didn't even go to those schools.

So my deep thought is as follows: Am I the only one who looks at the school name and immediately thinks of what the driver probably looks like and what type of car they are driving? Good school equals expensive car; average school equals average car. Well this guy had his Harvard University sticker proudly displayed on the back window of his rusted out Toyota Carolla. I would expect this Harvard alum to be wearing a tweed jacket and be driving a BMW. I mean at least that would explain why he thought he owned the road. But a Toyota Camry? That sounds like more of a car someone would drive if they graduated from a local community college.

But hey, who am I to judge. Oh wait, I'm the best driver alive. And don't get me started on NASCAR.

You're the Next Contestant on The Idiot Show

Real quick one today because, as I've said before, Americans are stupid and I don't want to make your brains hurt. I was sitting in my hotel room in Danvers, MA a couple nights ago and heard on TV that there is a new show called Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? WOW!!! Look what we have come to as a society. The host, Jeff Foxworthy, asks the prototypical American mom some simple question about grammar and she gets it wrong and everyone laughs. I really don't think this is funny. I think if you get any of the questions wrong on that show then you should be fined or put away or something. Totally unacceptable.

Further, that show Deal or No Deal...are you kidding me? It's one of the most popular shows on TV right now. Even the easiest of game shows require some skill: Wheel of Fortune, Family Fued; even Press Your Luck required answering some questions. Deal or No Deal is basically Russian Roulette. Actually it's just pick a number; no skill whatsoever is required.

Think about it America, one of the hardest game shows was Win Ben Stein's Money. The winner of that game only got $5,000 while the winner of Deal or No Deal can win millions. There is something really wrong here. Basically I am still bitter for not getting chosen to be on Jeopardy! but that's another story.

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Provincetown

I've actually hated Subway since I was in middle school and the Indian Subway owner refused to let me redeem my SubClub card because all of the stamps weren't from his Subway. I sent a letter to corporate Subway which took care of everything. That and I got sprayed with water from a puddle from a passing truck. Recently, Subway has amazingly entered into my life:

My roommate Tom was on the same flight from Chicago as loveable former fatso Jared.

One of my favorite commercials on television right now is one featuring Jared and Michael Strahan. Now Strahan claims he is not gay but it doesn't help him that he speaks with a lisp and his line in the commercial is, "Twice the meat without slowing me down."

I ate at a subway on my way to Provincetown, MA yesterday.

Do you see the circle formed here? Provincetown is known for its gay population, Michael Strahan is not gay but probably is and was in a Subway commercial, I ate at a Subway on my way home from Provincetown, I get hit on by gay guys ALL THE TIME!

Anyway... Hey Jared from Subway, listen up. I have a problem with your precious little store. First of all, you wouldn't believe how easy it is to find a McDonald's or Wendy's at a rest stop but if you want to find some semblence of healthy food you shit of out luck. Second of all, when ordering my lunch yesterday (and countless other times) the plastic-gloved worker asks me which vegetables I would like. I say, "Everything except olives." This is followed by, "Do you want hot peppers?" Umm, hello didn't I just tell you everything? The whole point of saying everything is so I don't have to say anything else. And even then I still don't get spinach or carrots. Also, they advertise "The Works" so you don't have to say what you want but even this option doesn't include everything. It's a load of crap I say and it needs to end.

And in case you were wondering...I didn't get hit on by any gay people while in Provincetown. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

You Will Be Missed

Oh Miss May Ninety-Two,
Anna Nicole how I loved you.
Your boobs were fakes,
My heart now aches.
Forever in my memory.

What's In A Name? Part II

You may have seen the story in today's New York Times about New Jersey selling its assets to raise money. State Senator Raymond Lesniak, a Democrat from Union, NJ introduced legislation that would let the state lease the New Jersey Turnpike and Garden State Parkway for up to 75 years, steps that could raise as much as $15 billion in revenue to pay off debts and free up money for other projects. Also, another senator raised another possibility yesterday: leasing or selling the lottery, which generates hundreds of millions of dollars a year.

Can you imagine driving through New Jersey (neither can I), running low on gas, and pulling into the Vince Lombardi rest stop (see previous post) sponsored by Papa John's and eTrade? This would be hilarious. If anything, it might upgrade the terrible food that is always found at rest stops.

So this got me thinking about today's blog post. The origin of place names is pretty well documented. America is named after the Italian merchant, explorer, and cartographer Amerigo Vespucci. Pennsylvania is named after William Penn and his woods. And San Diego is, of course, from the German for a whale's vagina.

Quick, what is the capital of the United States of America? Pretty easy. Washington, D.C. Quick, who is Washington, D.C. named after? Pretty easy again. Our first president, George Washington. So here is my question: what if our first president had a funny last name like, oh to stay with the political theme, Lewinsky. Would we still have named the capital of the United States of America Lewinski, D.C.? Doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Or what if the first president was named George Acey? At the time the founding fathers would have thought to themselves, "Yes, let's call the capital of this great land Acey, D.C. after out first president." How funny would this have been in modern times?

Get it? Acey, D.C. Oh nevermind.