Go West Young Man

BREAKING NEWS!!!

This just in...major developments here at Jordon's Deep Thoughts. Your favorite witty Internet scribe is moving the home office from Philadelphia, PA to San Diego, CA. That's right folks, I am moving to the West Coast. If anything, this will give me an extra three hours to assemble my thoughts before the miserable East Coasters start sending the mean emails. I am taking a pretty big leap of faith. I quit my job, packed my stuff, and relocated with the same wide-eyed optimism of so many immigrants to America over 100 years ago. Who knows what lies ahead? I guess we'll find out soon enough.

So as part of my moving, I had to decide how to get to California. Do I sell everything I own? Do I put everything in a UHaul? Do I hire a mover? After some number crunching and practical thinking I decided that the best way to go was shipping everything. This allowed me to minimize cost and manual labor while maximizing peace of mind. This past weekend was spent packing my entire life into 10 Home Depot moving boxes. Kind of a humbling experience.

So as many of you know I am kind of into road trips. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than putting 1,500 miles on a rental car in one weekend. My road trip adventures have taken me across the United States twice. I have done the drive both solo and tandem. Some advice. If you go solo, make sure you have a good book on tape to keep you occupied. I recommend the unabridged version. If you go tandem, make sure you have plenty to talk about because nothing is worse than dead silence and you haven't even finished one state yet!

So today's Deep Though focuses on the road trip and a small detail that the commoner would miss but the careful eye of Jordon's Deep Thoughts never fails to miss. When you are driving you always see signs for cities and towns that lie ahead on the road you are currently driving. Say you are driving on south I-95, you may see a sign that says "New York 206, Philadelphia 298". Pretty common sight. My question what you think the furthest distance listed on one of those signs is? Do you think there is a sign when you leave San Francisco on I-80 that says "Chicago 1750"? Is there a limit established with the Department of Transportation that limits this number to 500 miles? If you are driving along and see a road sign with some crazy distance on it, snap a photo and send it along. I'll be sure to post it.

So as I depart for San Diego, I will be starting a new chapter not only in my life but in Jordon's Deep Thoughts as well. If you are ever in the area, come say hi, you just may get to inspire a Deep Thought of your own!

Unsinkable My Ass!

My backlog of Deep Thoughts has gotten pretty long in recent months and I can't sleep tonight for some reason so I thought what better time to update Jordon's Deep Thoughts? Not much going on here at Deep Thought headquarters in recent months. I just returned from an amazing trip to Southern California. I was there for the Electric Daisy Carnival (EDC) among other fun activities. EDC is probably the most insane musical experience in the history of mankind. Over 100,000 people were in attendance at the LA Coliseum and I think I was the only one not on Ecstasy.

So I spent a few weeks last month living out of a hotel room on Long Island. As you can imagine, it was awful. Then I was fortunate enough to spend another week living out of a hotel room in Galveston, TX. As you can imagine, it was awful. Although, having all of your meals paid for is pretty sweet.

Now you are probably reading this wondering when I am going to get to the Deep Thought. You're thinking to yourself, "Gee, Jordon always starts each post with a brief introduction that he magically segues into his Deep Thought." It really is literally magic. So here we go.

During my many nights alone in my hotel room I was fortunate enough to catch everyone's favorite blockbuster Titanic. Girls love the romantic story and guys love the special effects so everyone wins. Actually, girls love Leonardo DiCaprio and guys love seeing Kate Winslet's boobs but let's stay classy here at Jordon's Deep Thoughts.

Anyway, this Deep Thought came to me during final few scenes as the ship was sinking and all of the passengers were jumping into the icy Atlantic Ocean because all of the lifeboats were full. Maybe it was the engineer in me but wouldn't you think someone on that ship would have built their own lifeboat out of a bathtub? I mean seriously. If you were about to drown, wouldn't you try anything and everything to FLOAT!? This really bothers me and there is no way I would have drowned on that unsinkable ship.

Summer is here so everyone enjoy themselves and enjoy life. And if you find yourself on a sinking boat, try building your own lifeboat...or just call 911 on your cell phone. Too bad Jack and Rose didn't have Verizon!

Foul Play?

You are probably asking yourself, "What did I do to deserve the honor of a new Deep Thought?" Well you can thank my participation in an adult dodgeball league. The games are at 8 pm so I am just hanging around the office until gametime. Now you are probably thinking, "You play adult dodgeball?" My response, "Yes, I do play adult dodgeball on Wednesday nights. I also play adult kickball on Tuesday nights and we won the championship last year." On to the post...

So spring is officially here and with it comes flowers, warm weather, and baseball. I recently purchased some Phillies tickets for a game in a few weeks. First row; I am very excited! Anyway, the idea for this blog post has been on the back burner for a while now. It all goes back to a game I attended last season. It might have been the Dollar Dog Night where I attempted to eat 1 hot dog per inning. I only managed to make it to the 7th inning. My friend Jay completed this gastro-intestinal feat that left him looking pregnant. Apparently he also enjoyed some sodium-laced night sweats.

So my question is this: What is the oldest you can be and still bring a baseball glove to a game? I say once you become a teenager it's no longer acceptable. It's like having your bar mitzvah; you are now an adult and can't wear that glove anymore. Along the same line, if I caught a foul ball and there was a little kid near me, there is no way I give that ball away. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity for crying out loud. Just think, maybe if Steve Bartman had been wearing a glove he would have been asked to leave for being too old and the Cubs would have won their first World Series in over 100 years. But they didn't so I digress.

Spring is a time for new beginnings and with some new Deep Thoughts. Stay tuned...

Radial Profiling?

You probably thought I was kidding a couple weeks ago when I said I would be posting new Deep Thoughts with greater frequency this year. WRONG! Fresh off a trip to sunny San Diego I am re-energized and ready to tackle the great mysteries of society. Really, I was just happy to escape the multiple feet of dirty snow back in Philadelphia.

The idea for this post came while driving amongst the sand dunes of the Namib Desert in Namibia during the Cheifet family vacation back in May. Eric and I were discussing the natives and the Deep Thoughts just kept getting deeper. You'll see why in a second. Also, remember this was concocted by two engineers so it may get a bit nerdy.

I have to warn the readers about this Deep Thought, it's gonna be a little sensitive to some. We may touch on some subjects that typical readers find offensive. So be warned. Actually, now that I think of it, this post isn't offensive at all. If anything, it supports the accused's case with concrete, scientific evidence. Finally, to defend myself and to continue my running theme here at Jordon's Deep Thoughts -- It's my blog, if you don't like it then don't read it.

Ok, so on to the juicy stuff.

Everyone who can drive or has seen an episode of "Cops" knows that minorities are targeted by the police. The police always deny this saying they are just doing their job but anyone with half a brain feels sorry for the countless minorities pulled over on the side of the road for what probably was nothing. Am I being politically correct so far? Ok, good.

So to take this a step further, it is a common site to see minorities with "rims" on their cars. Translation: they like to put big tires on their cars. Personally, I think it looks really stupid but if you dig a bit deeper, then us "common folk" could learn a thing or two from people who put big tires on their cars. If you didn't know, your car's speedometer and odometer are calibrated to the factory size tire. These gages know that if the tire spins a certain number of revolutions in a certain time that you have gone a certain distance at a certain speed.

Now, something interesting happens when you put bigger tires on a car. Basically, you are fooling the gages into thinking that you are travelling slower than you really are. For example, when the speedometer reads 65 mph, the vehicle is actually traveling 70 mph...unbeknownst to the driver. Also, when the odometer says you travelled 1 mile you actually travelled 1.5 miles. This is great for the resale value!

So what does all this racially-laced jargon mean? It means that it's not the minorities fault they are caught for speeding, it's the tires. A simple "radial tolerance" program might end years of injustice perhaps?

That bad pun was free of charge.

Deposit This!

WARNING! DO NOT ADJUST YOUR COMPUTER MONITOR!

That's right folks, your eyes are not deceiving you. This is an actual new Deep Thought you are reading. Sorry for the long layoff, I was in the bathroom. Anyway, so much has happened here at the offices of Jordon's Deep Thoughts. As you might have guessed, you favorite blog protagonist has continued galavanting around the world. I got married, bought a house, and have two kids now. Yeah right! Just making sure you are actually reading this.

But seriously, I have upped my country tally by three to thirty-two. I just returned from a most excellent jaunt to the Middle East. The countries of choice included Egypt, Israel, and Jordan. This is all part of my goal of going to every country and taking a picture of myself in front of famous world landmarks. Pyramids -- Check! But more importantly is now being able to say I have been to a country with the same name as myself. How many people can say that!? Do you think there is anyone out there named Kyrgyzstan Johnson who took a trip so he could do the same? I doubt it. If you know someone with a country for a first name I would love to hear about them.

A couple things I learned while in the Middle East. First, Egyptians (at least the ones I met) were very rude. That's right, I said it. I mean, how many times can you say you don't want a camel ride before you get fed up? Second, Jordanians are very nice. They speak no English, you speak no Arabic, but you are still able to ask for directions in the middle of the night on the side of the road with no reservations and get where you need to go. Third, the Great Pyramids are really cool. Fourth, Petra is really cool. Fifth, the Dead Sea is really weird.

So I know what you're probably thinking. You took almost nine months off, did you at least think of some new Deep Thoughts? And the answer is of course yes! So with no further delay, I bring you the first official Deep Thought of 2010.

Open your wallet. I bet you there are a bunch of bills in there, right? A few Washingtons, a Lincoln, maybe a Hamilton, a couple Jacksons? If you are lucky maybe a Grant or a Franklin? Or if you are really lucky a Jefferson? Where did you get those bills? Maybe you bought a sandwich and got some change. Maybe you bought some toothpaste and got some change. But think back further -- you got them from the ATM, right? I doubt many of you enter a bank to make withdrawls.

So what's the worst part about the ATM? Exactly, only getting $20 bills! You make your withdrawl and get crisp, new $20 bills. Then you and your friends go out to dinner and try to pay and everyone has 20s and the bill is $36. A real pain in the ass I know. So my question is simple. If most people get their money from the ATM, and the ATM only gives out 20s, where does the other money come from? Does the mint deliver money directly to all businesses to keep the balance equal? I'm just saying it seems that a lot more 20s are put into circulation than 1s, 5s, and 10s. This really bothers me.

Anyway, hope everyone has a fantastic 2010 and I will do my best to keep you thinking while you are trying to waste time by trying to find the end of the internet.

...And We're Back!

Sorry about that but we were experiencing technical difficulties here at Jordon's Deep Thoughts. I was just a little tired that last 6 months. I mean, the last time you heard from me was January when Obama was nominated. Remember that? So much has happened since then in the world: I traveled to my 29th country, I went to my 6th continent, I swam in my 4th ocean, Michael Jackson died, and I got a haircut. Major life-altering events here people.

So yeah, Africa was awesome. The safari, the sand dunes, the diving, the interesting food -- a bit different than the United States. I ate Kudu (a big antelope) and even tried some milk from a fruit that came out of the ground which was given to me by a half naked African boy.

So I believe we were driving through Namibia on our way back from a failed attempt to sandboard down some one thousand foot high sand dunes, we had just crossed the Tropic of Capricorn, and I saw a sign for the next town. It was just like a sign you might see in the United States which advertised gas, hotel, and food at the next exit. And of course, I noticed something interesting and began to wonder...

The universal sign (at least I thought) for food is a picture of a knife and fork. It doesn't say food or restaurant or anything like that, just a simple picture and everyone knows what it means. But here is where the blog-worthy aspect creeps into the picture. Say were driving in China, would the picture have two chopstcks on it? Can anyone confirm or deny this idea? I have never been to southeast Asia but would imagine the sign would have to show this, right?

I love you all and check back soon, the next post will be soon (less than 6 months).

All the News that's Fit to Print

Hope everyone is having a happy and healthy new year. It sure has been a while since I last posted. I am not going to apologize like I normally do but instead give everyone some very important news. Let me preface the news with a quick question. Let me see by a show of hands how many of you settle in on a Friday night with a nice glass of wine, some warm slippers, and your laptop with Jordon's Deep Thoughts queued up and ready for an evening of laughter as you prepare to catch up the latest happenings in my life? I see a few hands in Africa, one in Southeast Asia, and a couple in North America. Okay, not as many as I thought but still good.

In a funny twist, Jordon's Deep Thoughts is going retro as you can now read my latest ramblings in something people call a book. That's right, you can now order a copy of every post from the last four years in hardback or paperback from www.blurb.com. I have to admit it was mom's idea but probably the coolest gift I have ever received. Email me if you want to order yourself a copy. Makes for a great coffee table book...and I don't even make any money from it. Sad I know.

So anyway, what should I write about today? It's a new year and that calls for new ideas. Actually, I am going to quickly write about something I thought of probably two years ago and never got around to posting. So here it goes...

What is your address? Growing up, mine was 1319 Cory Drive and I could never understand why my neighbor's address was 1323. Did there used to be 3 houses in between us and they were knocked down before I was born? I mean, I can understand making one side odd and the other even but skipping 4 numbers, I never saw the reasoning behind that. Who are the city planners coming up with this garbage? We will never know.

Anyway, hope everyone is enjoying January 2009. I am moving into my new Center City Philadelphia apartment in two weeks so I'm sure I will run into some interesting, blog-worthy characters living in a major city. I will keep you posted.

P.S. There is a house near me who built another house in their backyard and made a little driveway to it. This house probably became 1321 and there was no problem because the planners thought ahead but I digress. I've also seen houses with half addresses but that is plain old silly. Good thing I am an engineer and don't have to work with numbers!

An Obama-Nation?

Hi everybody!

Once again, I apologize for the long layoff between posts. I have been busy with my move from Connecticut to Pennsylvania. My new low-stress life should definitely allow me to increase the frequency of my posts. So right now I am living with the parents while I look for a super sweet apartment in Center City. I will keep you updated on my apartment hunting.

So being as I live all the way in the suburbs, my hour commute leaves me with plenty of time to think, ponder, and contemplate new Deep Thoughts. As we all know, we will have a new President in a couple of weeks. What an election it was with debates, rallies, and advertising -- tons and tons of advertising. I'm sure many of you tried to show your support for your favorite candidate by talking with your friends and family about their political preferences.

So on my way to work this morning I saw a car with an Obama bumper sticker. It got me thinking; how long can someone leave an election bumper sticker on their car before it's just plain obnoxious? I occasionally see people with Kerry stickers on their cars from four years ago...and he didn't even win! Talk about embarrassing. Do you think there are cars out there with Michael Dukakis bumper stickers still driving around? If you were buying a used car and there was still a George W. Bush sticker on it, would you not buy it?

These are the things I think about...

P.S. In case you were wondering, I did manage to fit yet another trip into this year. I am off to San Diego for a week to relax and eat fish tacos in two weeks. Lucky me!

P.P.S. In case you were wondering, I went to 9 countries, 2 provinces, and 14 states this year!

Phealing Phine

Hi Everyone:

So much is happening...and all of it's for the better. Where do we start? Let's see...my Phillies are in the World Series!!! That's right, the losingest team in professional sports is playing for only their second championship in 126 years. The best part is that I am going to game 4. I am moving in two weeks back to Philadelphia after two years in Hawaii and three years in Connecticut. My Penn State Nittany Lions are undefeated at 7-0 with a big game against Michigan this weekend. And then I am off to Columbus, OH to see them play Ohio State. I can't believe how much money I have been spending on tickets during the month of October. I'm also going to see world's number one DJ Armin van Buuren Halloween night.

I hope all of you vote this November. I believe that unless you vote, you have no right to complain about the President. I mean, W has an 20% approval rating but only 40% or so of Americans actually get off their fat asses, into their SUVs, and go vote. It's truly a travesty.

Anyway, my buddy Tom recently purchased a t-shirt with the phrase "I Love Asian Women" across the chest. The interesting part is that it's written in Chinese so only true Asian women will appreciate it. It's an instant conversation starter. We were trying to get it translated and I started thinking about how difficult it is to translate between languages. I'm not talking about going over each word in your head and trying to think of what it means in another language but true fluency.

Then I started thinking about whether or not sign language is different in different languages. A quick google search revealed that in fact certain signs are in fact different in different sign languages. Pretty interesting...I had no idea. So naturally I wondered whether there were actual individuals who could translate sign language. How awesome would that be? I bet there are maybe 5 people in the whole world.

Think about it. What if a deaf person travels to Mexico and meets another deaf person who only speaks (signs) Spanish? Can you imagine the exchange? It would be incredible. These are the things I think about as I sit at work trying to waste 8 hours but looking like I am busy.

Anyway, Go Phillies...Go Penn State...Happy Halloween...and Get out and vote!

PS. Notice how this was a total bipartisan post. This is America and you can vote for whomever your little heart desires.

Boutros Boutros-Ghali Who?

Guten Tag:

Once again, I will begin my blog post with a familiar greeting -- sorry for the long layoff. Call it lack of motivation, call it writer's block, call it whatever you like...I don't care.

Anyway, I just returned last week from a 10 day adventure in Europe (Germany, Austria, Czech Republic, and Slovakia). My old travel buddies -- Tom, John, and Jon -- joined me for a National Lampoon's European Vacation/EuroTrip/Hostel-like adventure. It was incredible to say the least. We travelled by air from Vienna to Munich; we travelled by train from Frankfurt to Prague; we travelled by boat from Bratislava to Vienna. We almost travelled by Segway around the Olympic Park in Munich but decided that it was just a little too gay...not that there's anything wrong with that.

It was confirmed that Americans are very loud and obnoxious and that is part of the reason the world hates us. It was confirmed that Slovakian women are by far the sexiest women in the world. It was confirmed that American beer is garbage and foreign beer doesn't give you a hangover.

I wanted to use the Segway bit as a segue to the topic of this post but there really is no connection so you'll just have to deal with it...also, that would be a really lame pun. So yeah, a few weeks ago I was in Cambridge, MA for a meeting and I was checking in with the reception lady and noticed her nameplate on the counter in front of her. I don't remember her first name but I noticed her last name was hyphenated.

I still don't understand why a woman would want to label herself as such a feminist. I mean don't they realize how other people, especially men, look down upon them. But I digress. The thing that stood out to me was the fact that both last names were the same. This woman married someone with the same last name and still felt compelled to hyphenate her last name. Are the hormonal feelings of this woman so strong that she couldn't just keep her name the same? I feel so bad for her husband. Do you remember the scene in Saving Silverman where Jason Biggs' character is so whipped that he changes his name when he gets married. Hilarious.

So I am back, Jordon's Deep Thoughts is not dead, and I will post again real soon, I promise. Until next time - auf Wiedersehen.

Fifty Nifty United States

It was fifth grade when my music teacher made us sing a song entitled, "Fifty Nifty United States." Not only was this song awesome, but it made you learn all of the states in alphabetical order...to a tune nonetheless. To this day I impress others (or embarrass myself) by reeling off all fifty states in alphabetical order in less than 15 seconds.

It was April of 2005 when I took a trip to the Big Island of Hawaii. While driving along the southern coast I looked at the map and noticed a small bit of text near the bottom that read, "Ka Lae, Southernmost point in the United States." Of course, I made it a point to drive down the dirt road to snap a picture of myself. Later that same summer, my brother and I ventured to Barrow, AK to discover that we were at the northernmost point in the United States. I thought this little bit of geographic trivia was pretty cool and promptly looked up where the other extreme points of the United States were located and just how easy it would be to get to each one.

Thus started my little quest to travel to all fifty states and the four extreme points of the United States. As of July 4, 2008, I have officially reached my goal! It was glorious. My cousin Jon (See previous posts about Maine, Minnesota, and Kansas) and my buddy John (See previous posts about Amsterdam, Dominican Republic, and Los Angeles) spent the Fourth of July weekend driving over 1800 miles for what turned out to be an awesome road trip.

Some highlights (or lowlights if you are Jon) included Jon getting in trouble for speeding three times with only one ticket to show for it, Jon getting charged $224 at an A&W restaurant for three sandwiches, and getting free passes to the British Airways lounge at JFK Airport allowing the three of us to get drunk on free alcohol. And best of all, accidentally stopping in Hope, BC to later discover it was the filming location of Rambo: First Blood.

Many deep thoughts were brought up on the long winding roads of the Pacific Northwest. Some good, some bad. Some funny, some not. Some hot, some cold. Some dry, some wet. One jumped out at me and I figured I just had to make it the topic of this post. As the conversation inevitably turned towards religion (after sex of course) the topic of good old JC came up.

I posed the following question, "Why has it become instinct for Americans to say Jesus Christ in so many instances not involving religion?" If you are scared: Jesus! If you a pissed: Jesus H. Christ! If you are in awe: Jeeesuus Christ! Why don't we say, "Socrates!"? Or perhaps, "Genghis L. Khan!"? Or even, "Siiigmuuund Freud!"? Strange don't you think? Hopefully, one day, people will exclaim, "Jordon P. Cheifet!"

(If you picked up on the Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure reference there you get two bonus points)

So I think I may be taking it easy for a while with the trips since I don't have much vacation remaining. Oh wait, who am I kidding? Trips already planned include Germany, Austria, Czech Republic, Slovakia, and Ohio. So until next time, keep on keeping on.

Jordon Cheifet, P.E.

Howdy:

I am just so excited and happy and relieved these days. I recently received news that I passed my Professional Engineering Exam. It's kind of a big deal. The P.E. Exam is basically the Bar Exam for Engineers. Two and half months of studying and being anti-social paid off. And I don't want any emails or comments saying that engineers are anti-social to begin with -- I mean we are but still...

So next week is my big trip to the Pacific Northwest. Tons of excitement here at Jordon's Deep Thoughts. As previously mentioned in this forum, it will mark the completion of my quest to go to all 50 states and the northern, southern, eastern, and westernmost points in the Continental United States. And I get to see a Seattle Mariners game which should be lovely. Also, I read that the road through Glacier National Park is still closed because of snow! It's freaking July 4th and they got 2 feet of snow last week. This is going to greatly hurt my itinerary because there is only one road through the park. But fear not, for you favorite blog protagonist will persevere.

In preparation for my trip I was watching Turistas on HBO last week. It's the story of some backpackers in Brazil who have their bus break down and stop at a local bar while the bus is being fixed. A local slips something in their drinks and they somehow end up at a house in the middle of the jungle where some guy steals their organs. It was excellent. Sounds like a standard Cheifet-family adventure.

Anyway, there was a lot of English and Portuguese being spoken in the movie between the Americans and the Brazilians (obviously). It occurred to me that since there were no subtitles I had no idea if I was watching an English movie with some Portuguese or a Portuguese movie with some English. Also, I had no idea if I was watching HBO or HBO-Latina. Now, don't yell at me saying, "Jordon you idiot, they speak Spanish in Brazil -- because they don't," or "Jordon you idiot, why would they be speaking Portuguese on HBO-Latina?" I'm just saying that I found the language oddity to be confusing. I thought I would share it with you so next time you are flipping through the channels and find something exciting to watch only to later discover it's on HBO-Latina that you can chuckle a bit think, "Oh that Jordon, he is so clever..."

Happy Summer! Now get outside and stop reading Jordon's Deep Thoughts.

More Cheifet Adventures

Okay, fasten your seat belts folks for it's time for another Deep Thought. I was told by a reader who will remain anonymous that the past few posts have begun with me apologizing for my infrequent postings. As a result, I would like to apologize for apologizing at the beginning of my posts. I am truly sorry. Does that count as apologizing again? Damn!

So I'm sure you have been on the edge of your seats wondering what is new with me. Nothing really. I recently returned from another vacation to Trinidad and Tobago -- my 21st country. It was filled with snorkeling, scuba diving, hiking (that's my dad with a cow), and losing to my brother repeatedly at Scrabble. It's so frustrating when your opponent has memorized nearly all of the two- and three-letter words. Did you know that there are nine two-letter words that don't even contain any consonants? AA, AI, AI, EA, EE, OE, OI, OO, and OU.

So I get back to the US and A and I am promptly reminded of how rude people can be. I went to the supermarket last night after a nice gym session which involved some weightlifting, stationary biking, and a lot of staring at girls who get all dolled up to workout and feel the need to wear tank tops and push up bras. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anyway, I am standing at the deli counter patiently waiting my turn to order my turkey and cheese when I overhear the woman next to me directing the lady behind counter how thick or thin she wanted her cheese. Personally, I couldn't care less as to how thick or thin my deli meat is. Either way, I'm putting two slices of cheese and three slices of turkey between two slices of bread. Can people really taste the difference between a piece of cheese that is 3/16" and another piece of cheese that is 1/4" thick?

So this woman needed to see every other slice to confirm that the deli worker wasn't changing the thickness on her. She was barking orders like a Nazi all over a piece of Cajun turkey breast. By the way, I also got one pound of the Cajun turkey breast and it was delicious. And when the guy helping me asked if the thickness was okay I was sure to reply loud enough for her to hear, "Oh, I don't care how thick it is, makes no difference to me." Then to make things better, this woman refused to take the turkey because, for some reason, the deli lady tuned her out and just cut the fucking turkey.

So yeah, summer is almost here. I have another trip planned to the Pacific Northwest over July 4th at which point I will have been to all fifty states. Stay tuned.

P.S. Happy 21st Birthday to my brother!!!

Guest Blogger, D.D.S.

Hola! It's the first day of May, a day usually marked by warm breezes and sunny skies that your skin welcomes after 6 months of brutal winter. Unless of course you live in Hawaii like I used to where the constant warmth can lead some to go mad while in search of air conditioning, trade winds, shave ice, or the ocean. OK, so maybe it wasn't that bad but cereal was like 7 bucks a box.

So as I mentioned in the last post, it was my birthday last weekend. Always fun times. I traveled down to Hoboken, NJ where my roommate (i guess ex-roommate) had recently moved for a new job in the Big Apple. His parents helped him move so they decided it would be nice to take me out for a birthday dinner before I hit the bars with my friends. Did you know there is a bar in New York City that serves 16-ounce cans of Natural Light for only a few bucks and it smells exactly like a fraternity house? It was glorious.

I had duck for dinner and got to sit next to the great Ed Klingebiel (part-time dentist, part-time baker, part-time world traveler). He made a great observation while at dinner that I immediately thought was worthy of Jordon's Deep Thoughts post #101. He posed the following question, "Do monkeys only pick the ripe bananas when looking for food? And if so, how do they know they are ripe?" What a deep question. Have you ever tried to eat a banana that wasn't ripe yet? It's awful. Of course humans have the luxury of putting the bananas next to a refrigerator chock full of other goodies. Monkeys have bananas and more bananas. Does anyone have the number for Leaky's Angles so we can get to the bottom of this?

Look it up on Wikipedia...

Also, check out www.klingersbread.com for all of your baked good needs.

Jordon's Deep Thoughts Turns 100

Not only is my birthday coming up this weekend, but my little online creative outlet is also celebrating a birthday. That's right, this is the 100th post on Jordon's Deep Thoughts. Thanks for all the support and comments I get from readers from all over the world. It's nice to know people other than my mom reads this.

So as you may have noticed it has been well over a month since the last post. So many things have happened since then. I survived my trip to Dubai and Qatar; now I can say I have been to the only country that starts with the letter Q. I also finally took my Professional Engineering exam. I think I passed but don't find out for another 2 months.

Dubai is something else. Imagine a flat empty desert along the ocean. Then humans come in and decide to build a city with the density of New York in the middle of nowhere. And if that's not enough, they decide to build a few islands just offshore each the size of Manhattan. And for all of my female readers, the shopping is out of this world. Every designer has a store there and you can max out each of your credit cards in one afternoon. They even have a ski slope inside the mall. I bought a t-shirt, some post cards, and an Arab woman bobble head doll. And instead of deer on the side of the roads like in the United States, they have camels. It was a good trip and now I can check off my 5th continent.

So I spent the weekend in Hoboken, NJ. It's the birthplace of Frank Sinatra in case you didn't know. Anyway, I was at Foot Locker buying a new pair of cool, casual summer sneakers and the woman informed me that they only had a size 10.

Quick tangent. I don't know about you but I have very oddly shaped feet. Narrow in the back, wide in the front, crooked toes, high arch. Shoes just never fit me correctly. In my adult years I have owned shoes that varied from a size 9 -- my Chuck Taylors -- to a size 11.5 -- my old Chris Webbers. Yes, the same Chris Webber who gave me the finger at a Philadelphia 76ers game. I also had a pair of size 12 roller blades back when those were cool.

So anyway, I told her that the 10 would probably be fine. I slid my foot in and of course it was a bit tight in the width. I took a few laps around the store to double check, figuring it was probably the result of my feet being blistered and swollen from dancing in my Chuck Taylors at the Ferry Corsten (#8 Trance DJ in the world) concert the night before. Quick note, dancing in canvas shoes is not a good idea.

The Foot Locker lady asked, "How do they fit?"

I replied, "They are a bit narrow."

Her response, which confirms why she works at Foot Locker, "Try loosening the laces, the usually makes them a little looser."

I had to bite my tongue so hard not to make a sarcastic remark to that one. Did she think my IQ was 12 and that this was my first pair of shoes with laces? And why do people at Foot Locker wear striped shirts like referees? What are they refereeing?

Anyway, I am back and have a nice list of posts to quench your Deep Thought thirst. Hopefully we can hit 200 posts soon!

On the Road Again

Hi everybody:

I must appologize again for the long layoff between blog posts. It's really been a combination of two things: work and writer's block. The former I have dealt with before but the later is a whole new beast that I have had to deal with -- and I don't like it. Never in the history of Jordon's Deep Thoughts have I been truly without an idea. Regardless, I have a bunch of things I need to keep you abreast of so today's post should be a juicy one.

First of all, for you long time readers you know that I have something of the travel bug. I got it from my parents but I have taken it to a whole new level. One of my goals is to travel to every U.S. state by the time I am 30.

Quick side note: should I have simply written U. state? I mean U.S. (United States) state is kind of redundant, don't you think? But I digress.

As of a few weeks ago my state total stood at 47 of 50. All that was left was Missouri, Idaho, and Montana. Technically, I had been to Missouri when I was a kid because TWA used to have their hub in St. Louis and we used to stop there on family trips out west. But I don't count the airport as being in a state. The minimum is to drive into a state. So my cousin and I once again boarded a plane to an atypical vacation spot with the sole intention of checking a few more states off our lists. This involved driving more than 1300 miles over a 3 day period through 5 different states.

Missouri...check! Only 2 states to go...I will keep you posted. Some of the highlights included seeing the geographic center of the lower 48 states, the world's largest ball of twine, the Budweiser brewery, the St. Louis Arch, Leavenworth Prison (home of animal lover Michael Vick) and the birthplace of the world's tallest man. There was even an 8'11" bronze statue of Robert Wadlow himself. It was fantastic.

As we were driving -- I think it was through Iowa -- we started talking about girlfriends. He made the funny comment that when traveling with a significant other you should always take two pictures: one with both of you and one with just you. At first, I didn't understand why but then he explained it and it made perfect sense. If you break up, then you will still have a picture you can put in a frame and enjoy. I mean, say you go to Los Angeles and take a picture of the two of you in front of the Hollywood sign. Adorable I'm sure. A few months later you break up but you really like the picture. You wouldn't put a framed vacation picture of you and your ex on a shelf for any future dates to see, would you? It was pure genius. Of course then we realized it might not sound good when you ask your significant other to take a picture of just you. They respond with, "Why?" And you nicely respond, "So when we break up I can still remember this moment."

Let me know how that goes everyone!

Jordon's Picks...

Hi everyone. I want a appologize from the bottom of my heart for the near month long layoff from blogging. I was in a coma. Just kidding. With the holidays and work I just haven't had the time to keep you abreast of my exciting life. So what's new? Well the results of our year-long poll indicate that most people sleep naked. Fascinating. What else? I am going to Dubai and Qatar in a few weeks; i better start growing my beard so I fit in. Don't want to end up on Al Jazeera. The Super Bowl is on this weekend. I love being indifferent watching the big game. I can't decide if it's better to have your team in the game but be really nervous or not have your team in the game and just be able to watch and eat. I'm leaning towards having you team in the game but my Eagles lost so it really wasn't that enjoyable.

Moving on to the topic of today's post. I was doing my nightly activity of surfing the internet for porn and noticed a strange habit of mine. Whenever I am on the internet and there is a picture of a person or a video I am watching, I always move the cursor and pretend to pick their nose. Is that strange? I just find it amusing. Picking the virtual nose, priceless.

W. gave his final State of the Union address last night so keeping that theme, I will say that the State of the Blog is strong. We have another year ahead of us here at Jordon's Deep Thoughts and hopefully lots of changes and adventures ahead. I am currently gathering all of my politcal positions so I can attempt to brain wash everyone into voting for...

Stay tuned.

ps. I never imagined that googling "nose pick" would return a picture of W picking his nose. How perfect is that for this post?

It's a Jump to Conclusions Mat

Happy Holidays to all my loyal readers out there. I can't believe it has been almost a month since my last post; my sincerest apologies. In case you were wondering I have all of my travel plans for 2008 set. If you are reading from one of the places listed below please say hi and give me some travel tips. Heck, I may even drop by to say hello. Some of the highlights will include Dubai, Qatar, Trinidad and Tobago, and Germany. Of course this doesn't include my many spontaneous trips which tentatively include Las Vegas, Seattle, Montana, Idaho, Alberta, New Orleans, Montreal, and any other country bordering Germany. But don't worry, there is still plenty of room in my passport.

Only a few days left to vote in the "What do you sleep in?" poll. So far, surprisingly, sleeping naked is the most popular overnight apparel.

Today's topic is sort of a combination of other Deep Thoughts and a recent post left by my cousin on his blog. It has to with history and where modern day ideas, products, and sayings originated. I was sitting on the couch talking to my roommate and I posed the following question, "Do you think if you were born about 100 years ago that you would have invented something like Velcro?"

Think about it. How many times have you seen an invention and thought to yourself, "That is so simple, how come I didn't think of that?" I mean come on people, Velcro, a ruler, that little clip you put on your potato chip bag. I would like to think I could have thought of one of those things but I guess I was just a little too late. Thanks mom and dad. I mean, I could have made a million dollars.

But hey, soon it will be 2008. A new year. A chance to start fresh full of new ideas, new Deep Thoughts, new adventures and maybe, just maybe, I can think of something new that will change the world. Until then I will have to hope my little blog makes each of my readers laugh a little bit which is good enough for me.

Have a safe, happy, and healthy Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and New Year.

P.S. Hopefully my Hawaii Warriors can keep the aloha going against Georgia. Go UH!

Going Back to Cali

It's been a while so here's a nice, juicy post to quench your Deep Thoughts thirst. First, a little gratuitous skin shot for all my loyal readers who have been wondering how awesome I look without a shirt on. This picture is the result of my travel buddies Tom and John thinking it would be funny to have a shirt on and a shirt off picture in the same photo album. It has gotten a few laughs.

So why you may ask was I standing in front of the Hollywood sign? Well my neverending quest to see all of the Top 10 trance/electronica DJs in the world took me to Los Angeles two weekends ago to see number 10: David Guetta. We were actually in LA for less than 48 hours. That's right, we flew out of New York Friday night and returned Sunday night. It was truly an extreme trip. We hit up Santa Monica, Venice Beach (no, I didn't get in a quick workout at Muscle Beach), the La Brea Tar Pits, Wahoo's Fish Tacos, In N' Out Burger, Sunset Tan, and most importantly, the Playboy Masion. Amazingly, they didn't let us in but we took plenty of provacative pictures in front of the gate at the end of the driveway.

As we were sitting on the airplane, my brother, who was also on an airplane at the same time on his way to Denmark, sent me a text message with two quality Deep Thoughts. The first dealt with how people can't find their seat on an airplane. I have to agree with him on this one. You have to figure that the average person has flown at least once in their lifetime. Further, if they didn't know how to find their seat on the outbound flight, then they surely learned and were able to tackle that task on the return flight. Therefore, anyone boarding an airplane is probably doing it, at a minimum, for the third time. Also, it's not like the seats aren't labeled. You don't have to count the rows and seats as you walk toward the back of the plane. It says right above the seat: 36D. As a total pervert, I would be very excited to be assigned this seat number but I digress.

The second had to do with the Bureau de Change, or for those of you who don't travel, the place where you exchange local money. When you exchange money you are always given a receipt. This way you can walk away trying to figure out how much money you lost because the US economy sucks and the Dollar isn't worth anything anymore. Anyway, his question was whether or not you could return the money instead of exchanging it back to US Dollars; therefore, losing even more. This is a very interesting question which I might try on my next trip. Did anyone notice that I started three consecutive words with "any" in that paragraph. Does that count as an aliteration?

Where is my next trip you may ask? There are a couple of possible destinations. I will be going to U.A.E., Oman, Qatar, and Bahrain in February for work. I can't wait to try the indoor snowbarding in Dubai. Other possibilities include Hondorus, Scandinavia, Germany, and Thailand. As usual, I will keep you abreast of my journeys with any Deep Thoughts that I come up with along the way. In the meantime, have a healthy and safe Holiday Season.

A State of Lonliness

I thought of something interesting while driving back from Philadelphia last night. Almost everyone who lives in the northeast is familiar with the term "Tri-State Area". It's always mentioned in regard to a sale at the car dealer or some stupid radio contest. I guess it kind of makes more people feel included in some sort of sales pitch. Is this term present in every part of the country? I know they don't say it in Hawaii; they say "The Islands" instead. What if you lived in, say, Reno, NV. The only state in the area is California. Do they say "Bi-State Area"? I bet the would make a lot of people uncomfortable. And what about if you lived near Four Corners where Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, and Utah come together? I guess it would be the "Quad-State Area"

So people of Reno, Four Corners, Maine, I invite you to leave a comment and share the answer to this Deep Thought with the rest of the world.

Hope you had a Happy Veteran's Day. My Grandfather sure did; he turned 90! See you in 10 years Willard Scott.