You're the Next Contestant on The Idiot Show

Real quick one today because, as I've said before, Americans are stupid and I don't want to make your brains hurt. I was sitting in my hotel room in Danvers, MA a couple nights ago and heard on TV that there is a new show called Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? WOW!!! Look what we have come to as a society. The host, Jeff Foxworthy, asks the prototypical American mom some simple question about grammar and she gets it wrong and everyone laughs. I really don't think this is funny. I think if you get any of the questions wrong on that show then you should be fined or put away or something. Totally unacceptable.

Further, that show Deal or No Deal...are you kidding me? It's one of the most popular shows on TV right now. Even the easiest of game shows require some skill: Wheel of Fortune, Family Fued; even Press Your Luck required answering some questions. Deal or No Deal is basically Russian Roulette. Actually it's just pick a number; no skill whatsoever is required.

Think about it America, one of the hardest game shows was Win Ben Stein's Money. The winner of that game only got $5,000 while the winner of Deal or No Deal can win millions. There is something really wrong here. Basically I am still bitter for not getting chosen to be on Jeopardy! but that's another story.

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Provincetown

I've actually hated Subway since I was in middle school and the Indian Subway owner refused to let me redeem my SubClub card because all of the stamps weren't from his Subway. I sent a letter to corporate Subway which took care of everything. That and I got sprayed with water from a puddle from a passing truck. Recently, Subway has amazingly entered into my life:

My roommate Tom was on the same flight from Chicago as loveable former fatso Jared.

One of my favorite commercials on television right now is one featuring Jared and Michael Strahan. Now Strahan claims he is not gay but it doesn't help him that he speaks with a lisp and his line in the commercial is, "Twice the meat without slowing me down."

I ate at a subway on my way to Provincetown, MA yesterday.

Do you see the circle formed here? Provincetown is known for its gay population, Michael Strahan is not gay but probably is and was in a Subway commercial, I ate at a Subway on my way home from Provincetown, I get hit on by gay guys ALL THE TIME!

Anyway... Hey Jared from Subway, listen up. I have a problem with your precious little store. First of all, you wouldn't believe how easy it is to find a McDonald's or Wendy's at a rest stop but if you want to find some semblence of healthy food you shit of out luck. Second of all, when ordering my lunch yesterday (and countless other times) the plastic-gloved worker asks me which vegetables I would like. I say, "Everything except olives." This is followed by, "Do you want hot peppers?" Umm, hello didn't I just tell you everything? The whole point of saying everything is so I don't have to say anything else. And even then I still don't get spinach or carrots. Also, they advertise "The Works" so you don't have to say what you want but even this option doesn't include everything. It's a load of crap I say and it needs to end.

And in case you were wondering...I didn't get hit on by any gay people while in Provincetown. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

You Will Be Missed

Oh Miss May Ninety-Two,
Anna Nicole how I loved you.
Your boobs were fakes,
My heart now aches.
Forever in my memory.

What's In A Name? Part II

You may have seen the story in today's New York Times about New Jersey selling its assets to raise money. State Senator Raymond Lesniak, a Democrat from Union, NJ introduced legislation that would let the state lease the New Jersey Turnpike and Garden State Parkway for up to 75 years, steps that could raise as much as $15 billion in revenue to pay off debts and free up money for other projects. Also, another senator raised another possibility yesterday: leasing or selling the lottery, which generates hundreds of millions of dollars a year.

Can you imagine driving through New Jersey (neither can I), running low on gas, and pulling into the Vince Lombardi rest stop (see previous post) sponsored by Papa John's and eTrade? This would be hilarious. If anything, it might upgrade the terrible food that is always found at rest stops.

So this got me thinking about today's blog post. The origin of place names is pretty well documented. America is named after the Italian merchant, explorer, and cartographer Amerigo Vespucci. Pennsylvania is named after William Penn and his woods. And San Diego is, of course, from the German for a whale's vagina.

Quick, what is the capital of the United States of America? Pretty easy. Washington, D.C. Quick, who is Washington, D.C. named after? Pretty easy again. Our first president, George Washington. So here is my question: what if our first president had a funny last name like, oh to stay with the political theme, Lewinsky. Would we still have named the capital of the United States of America Lewinski, D.C.? Doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Or what if the first president was named George Acey? At the time the founding fathers would have thought to themselves, "Yes, let's call the capital of this great land Acey, D.C. after out first president." How funny would this have been in modern times?

Get it? Acey, D.C. Oh nevermind.