Back To The Future

Hope everyone had a pleasant Memorial Day weekend. Mine was okay. Just the usual lifting weights, getting huge, eating healthy, shaving my head. You know, the usual. I did go to one bar on Sunday which was very eye opening to say the least. I had always heard that people from Connecticut were a bit snotty and full of themselves. Well I got so much of it shoved down my throat this weekend I nearly threw up a little in my mouth.

Picture it. Sunday afternoon. Outdoor bar on the water. I'm thinking laid back. I don't know what they put in the water around here but people show up in the most ridiculous outfits I have ever seen in my life. Men in pleated slacks, armani shirts, wing tip shoes buffed so I could see my reflection from across the bar. Not to mention more Polo and Lacoste shirts with the collars popped than I have ever seen. And the women were even worse! Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses and cocktail dresses you would expect to see at a Saturday evening black tie wedding, not on a Sunday afternoon at an outdoor bar on the water. Everyone was trying to one-up the next person. Needless to say I was very out of place in my $3 Locals flip flops, camoflauge cargo shorts from the Gap, and free Eddie Aikau surfing t-shirt. Not that I care but still. Apparently the Hawaii lifestyle has not made its way to the Northeast just yet.

Anyway, this brings us to today's post. Let's take a trip back to elementary school. Pre-school for all of my younger readers. And for my female readers please let me know what would be the analog for you. After picking up a pair of Chuck Taylor's this weekend and realizing how they never go out of style, I was thinking about embarassing shoes from yesteryear. What would you say was the most embarassing shoe brand to own back then? The ones I came up with were Pony, Macgregor, LA Gear, and Avia. Send me your thoughts so we can once and for all crown the most embarassing shoe brand of all time. This way, when someone asks me why I'm not excited to get dressed up on a Sunday afternoon, I can respond they same way one of the greatest thinkers of our time did:

"It's not a question of motivation. It's that I just don't care."

--P.Gibbons

Have a great summer!

The City That Never Speeds?

Well for all of my fellow northeasterners, you can finally smile as I think summer has finally arrived. Kind of funny don't you think? I mean, everyone was so happy that winter was so mild; too bad it lasted until the end of May! Good old global warming, it's fantastic!

Anyway, being that it is finally nice outside, my buddy Tom and I took a trip down to the big city (New York) this past weekend. Hey. I'm in New York. I've got a gun. Let's go to a Broadway show. (anyone get that one?) After checking out some outdoor market/reggae block party down in Soho, seeing Drew Barrymore, and having some delicious Asian-fusion food, we hopped in a cab back to Grand Central for the ride home. As we were cruising around in the cab I noticed something interesting, as usual. Everyone in New York City is either a terrible driver or a very good driver. But the most interesting thing is that there are no speed limit signs anywhere to be seen. Isn't this weird? It's like we're looking down on Wayne's basement, only that's not Wayne's basement. (anyone get that one?)

Is the lack of speed limit signs becuase no one would follow them anyway or did they forget? Hey, I thought it was interesting.

They're All Out, They Just Have Diesel

Hope everyone had a lovely Mother's Day. If any of my readers are in fact mothers, then I would love to hear from you because I didn't think I had any readers, let alone readers with kids.

Anyone who drives a car these days, has turned the television on recently, or even slightly paid any attention to current events knows that gas prices are at an all-time high. I remember when I took a vacation to Lanai last February and laughed that gas was $3.15/gallon. Oops, I think I paid $3.11/gallon yesterday. The times they are a changing.

Anyway, as I was driving down the street looking at the marquee in front of each gas station, trying to find which one was the cheapest so I could save about $1.00, I noticed something interesting...which, of course, got me thinking. Remember when gas prices first went over $2.00/gallon right after Hurricane Katrina and none of the gas stations had enough "2s" to put up on the marquee? And recently they had to put "3s" up there too? Well this brings me to the topic of this post. Who are the manufacturers of these little plastic numbers?

Think about it for a second. For as long as I can remember gas was more than $1.00/gallon but less than $2.00/gallon. Thus, requiring gas stations to only need "1s". I did a little research and found that gas prices have not been below $1.00/gallon since the early 1980s. So how in the world have these little plastic number manufacturers stayed in business since then? Have they been sitting in their offices just hoping, praying, and waiting for the problems in the Middle East and Hurricane season to finally cause the prices to go up? Think about it, they probably haven't had any orders in years.

P.S. I don't want any emails dubunking my theory. I'm sure the little plastic number manufactures make other little plastic numbers too.

Isn't It Ironic, Don't Ya Think?

Sorry for the long lay off but I was once again playing underwater for work; this time in Cape May, NJ. That's right, I spent last week inspecting a US Coast Guard pier. All the while getting free food, a good tan, and I even grew a beard again because we were getting up at 5:30 every morning. I look like that little picture at the top of my blog again. But enough about me...on to today's post.

For all of you Alanis fans, so sorry to disappoint you but this has nothing to do with her. Also, I didn't think she still had any fans. I mean she had that one album, Jagged Little Pill, come out 10 years ago and then she vanished back to Canada. Come on, you remember, every 3 weeks another single was on the radio. It was awful. But enough about Alanis...on to today's post.

The irony I speak of lies in a scene I witnessed on my drive down the Garden State Parkway on my way to Cape May, NJ. I see some flashing lights from a police cruiser but don't slam on the breaks like so many people do because I have the cruise control locked in at 65. As I drive past I see the unlucky car that was pulled over and notice something odd...and ironic. The car had a "student driver" sign on the roof and there was only one person in the car. Of course, this means that a driving instructor was pulled over for either speeding or wreckless driving. That sure doesn't look good for that driving school. But hey, I bet they don't make you drive them to pick up dry cleaning like my driving instructor did...

Macaroni and Sleaze

Well this is my first post after my big 26th birthday last week. Not to worry, the quality will not decrease because of my advanced age and the resulting depression. As a quick side note, my mom apprised me that I turned 26 on the 26th. How cool is that? Think about it, there is only one day in your life when this can occur. Amazing. Very blog-worthy. Keep that in mind when your day comes. If your day has already passed, then I am terribly sorry. Not really, but you know what I mean. Anyway, on to today's post...

My job as an ocean engineer has allowed me to travel all up and down the eastern seaboard. Last week was no different as I took a trip to Boston, MA for a seminar dealing with a structural engineering computer program. It was very boring but I got a free trip out of it so who's complaining? I had dinner with the lovely Ms. Lauren Tharaud followed by riding the T out to Boston College to roam the dorms with my brother's super awesome friend and girlfriend as the creepy old guy.

While perusing the dinner menu I came across macaroni and cheese. I think it was filled with bits of bacon, peppers, and other goodies in an attempt to make this dish sound appetizing. That's when I realized that I have never met a macaroni and cheese dish at a restaurant that is better than Kraft macaroni and cheese out of the box. Has anyone else ever noticed the same thing? These restaurants try and make it all gourment but don't realize that it's the simple Kraft product that is by far superior. If you have ever had a macaroni and cheese at a restaurant better please let me know so I can go test my hypothesis.

P.S. Stouffers macaroni and cheese is very good also.

A Druish Princess

That's all we needed...a Druish Princess. Hope everyone had a nice Passover/Easter weekend filled with yummy gifilte fish/easter egg meals. With all of this religion going around my family and I started talking about plastic surgery and how vain our society is. Well, as usual, this got me thinking. Any of you who grew up around Jewish people know that they usually have wavy, curly hair. And any of you grew up around young Jewish girls know that they are the only ones who actually would spend tons of their Daddy's money to do something about it.

The solution? None other than Japanese hair straightening. I don't know exactly what it is but I think they use some chemical to straighten the hair for a few months so it looks like Aryan hair but you can still tell and make fun of them behind their backs. Anyway, this brings me to the subject of this post. Everyone knows that Japanese people have the straightest hair on Earth. So why would the Japanese have any need for a hair straightening procedure? To find the answer, one must dig a little deeper...

I think the answer lies with a little clever marketing and racism. If we were to call the procedure by its original name: Jap hair straightening, then the answer begins to reveal itself. Jap, better known as Jewish American Princess, is the real name behind the curtain but the inventors thought this wouldn't sell as well so they just extended it to Japanese so as not offend anyone. Think about it, who are the only people who get Japanese hair straightening? Not the Japanese but the Japs. And speaking of Druish Princesses, everyone doesn't love a Druish Girl. Shalom.

What's Under That Toga?

You can sleep soundly tonight knowing that I survived my first real dive in the East River yesterday despite getting my ass kicked by the current. As a result of my survival, the deep thoughts will continue to flow...no pun intended. Anyway, on to today's post.

When I came up after an hour and a half of looking at wooden telephone poles holding up a pier I could see across New York Harbor over to Liberty Island and of course the Statue of Liberty. As usual, this got me thinking. We all know that a bachelor is a man and bachelorette is a woman. Does this same metric work for statue and statuette? Should Lady Liberty really be called the Statuette of Liberty? Was Dr. Peter Venkman in Ghostbusters II right when he said, "Kind of makes you wonder, does she have anything on under that toga?" Or should he have said, "What is under that toga?"

Note: Yes, I know that a statuette is simply a small statue but then this post wouldn't have been as funny. Please keep that in mind before you send me a nasty email.

Pull Over!

Ok, I will preface this entry by saying that this isn't my idea but is definately worthy of a post on my blog. I mean, I could have tried to pass this off as my idea and no one would have known but I am a man of morals. And for any of you who know me, know that that last sentence is bullshit. Anyway, on to the post.

Everyone has tried to come up with tricks to "add" a passenger so they can drive in the carpool lane on the freeway: a mannequin, a kick boxing dummy, a balloon with a face drawn on it. I've even heard of some people trying to claim their dog counts as a passenger. Well these are nothing compared to what I just read. Some pregnant woman was given a ticket for driving alone in the carpool lane but claimed her unborn baby counted as a passenger. She lost in court but that really opens Pandora's box on when does a fetus become a passenger! Another good one is whether or not a hearse on its way to bury someone can drive in the carpool lane with the corpse in the back.

And for any of you who have seen the Saturday Night Live skit with Christopher Walken and the census could argue that a pet cougar counts as a person.

Personally, I think anyone clever enough to come up with such novel methods of beating the system deserves the benefit of the doubt. Your thoughts?

What's The Worst Part About Eating Vegetables?

I was at the supermarket the other day. Speaking of which, at what size does a market become a supermarket? Anyway, I was in the produce section buying some fruits and vegetables. Now we all know that you are supposed to squeeze, smell, rub, or whatever it is you do, each piece before you buy it. Long story short, it wasn't a good day to be a vegetable at the Super Stop n' Shop, particularly the peppers. Each one i picked up was worse than the next.

After a few minutes of going through every last green, yellow, red, and orange pepper I decided on two that were worthy of entering my mouth. As I continued my shopping journey past the canned meat, lasagna noodles, and some wierd asian thing in a can I would never eat I started thinking about my two peppers. They made me think: If every pepper except these two were subpar, then does someone else think they are ok? I can't imagine that anyone would take the yellow pepper with the big brown mark on the side.

So what I am really wondering is whether or not the bad peppers ever get to go home with someone or do they just get tossed in the trash? Do they go to the homeless shelter with the muffin stumps, stale bagels, and stale donuts? And to think, I used to work at a supermarket... Actually I just spent that summer in the huge walk-in freezer keeping cool and eating ice cream.

Answer: The Wheelchairs.

Talk About Embarassing

If any of my loyal readers watch Curb Your Enthusiasm then this story will be even funnier. After a long night in New York City on St. Patrick's Day that consisted of seeing an old friend from Hawaii, seeing a weird electronica band called Stereolab, drinking lots of Guinness, waking up next to some strange girl, and chewing my arm off to get out of there before she woke up, my buddy Tom picked me up in the city and we headed down the New Jersey Turnpike to attend my buddy Jason's housewarming/engagement party. On a side note, I did get to walk through New York's plant and flower district (which I never knew existed) and walk past the original Scores (which, of course, I knew existed). But I digress.

So we are cruising down the New Jersey Turnpike and stop at the Molly Pitcher Rest Area to get some gas and go to the bathroom. I am standing in line in the men's room waiting for the next uninal or stall to open up. It must have been a good day because the handicapped stall opens up and I slide right in. I really enjoy using the handicapped stall, be it number 1 or 2, because there is so much more room and the door opens out. Don't you hate when it opens in and you have to be careful not to rub the back of your pants on the front of the toilet? So I am doing my business and I hear someone trying to open the door. The door is clearly locked so some guy must be a real dick. I finish up and walk out but no one is there. Then I look down and see some guy sitting in his wheelchair waiting to go. Man did I feel like an asshole. I thought shit like that only happens to Larry David. I guess I was wrong.

Sand in the Vasoline

Huge development this morning while sitting at my desk. I actually finished a tube of chapstick. I don't know about you, but this is the first time in my life this has ever happened. I usually lose it or throw it away. If you have ever really used an entire tube of chapstick, then I commend you on your strong resolve to stick with that same tube for so long. In my case, it must have been 10 years.

Tonight on CBS

So I was watching the NCAA tournament last night and hoping the Gonzaga Bulldogs, moustache and all, could pull out the win since I have them in the Final Four. Anyway, a commercial came on for some bad CBS show that only people over 50 watch but is somehow near the top of the Neilson Ratings. The commercial said the upcoming episode was "All-New" and this got me thinking. Has there ever been an episode of a show that was only partially new? Would they maybe splice some of an old episode with a new one? Tonight on CBS, half of last week's "Everybody Loves Raymond" and half of an all-new "Everybody Loves Raymond." I think the networks could save themselves some time and just say "new", we'll get the idea.

Whipped

Just a quick observation I made the other day while driving... Is there anything more pathetic than seeing a car with the license plate with the couple's initials on it? If my wife ever asks me to do that I will divorce her right on the spot. I also saw a guy with a bumper sticker that said "I heart my wife". That also will not fly in my house.

...But I Do Have Good News

Can Al Queda claim the car blown up by a suicide bomber with their car insurance company? Or does Arab-Geico consider it an act of God since they claim Allah told them to do it?

Putting Her In Hover

Ok, so we all know how the Earth spins. Say you wanted to travel from New York to Los Angeles. Would it be more economical to just hover an inch off the ground and wait for the Earth to rotate below you until Los Angeles gets there? I mean, think of how safe it would be. I guess it would take a really long time to go the other direction though. I guess it's not such a good idea.

Dane Cook Was Right

So I finally broke down and went grocery shopping last night for the first time in about 4 weeks. For some reason I was trying to eat everything I had before restocking the shelves...don't ask me why. Anyway, if you listen to the very funny comedian Dane Cook, then you have heard his bit about never leaving your shopping cart unattended at the supermarket. What if someone comes in looking for all of the same items you already put in your cart and just walks off with it? Well this never happens, right? Wrong!!!

I was standing at the deli counter when this cute older woman walks up. She kind of looked like the flat chested lifeguard on Baywatch. You know who I am talking about. Anyway, we smile at each other and then all of a sudden she says, "Shit! I took someone else's cart." She proceeds to storm off in search of her original cart and returns a few minutes later. There was even a little kid's stuffed animal in there.

As I continued shopping I saw the original cart, stuffed animal and all, abandoned at the end of the canned meat/fish aisle. Not only is there some kid crying because he/she lost his stuffed animal, but the owner of that cart decided to just get a new cart and start over.

Lesson to be learned: Never leave your cart alone, there are bad people out there...even at your neighborhood grocery store.

Oh That Bill Gates

Ok, this one is VERY deep so stay with me here. Any of you who used to play Oregon Trail on the Apple II in elementary school knows that the Macintosh used to have the Trash Can on the desktop, which was subsequently ripped off by Windows 95 and renamed the Recycle Bin. My question is whether either name is truly accurate.

A trash can would imply that what goes in is taken away and never comes back, in any form. A recycle bin on the other hand would imply that what goes in is taken away, changed a bit, and reformed into the same thing. So what are we really doing when we delete that word document? If you think you are deleting the document then you should really send it to the Trash Can because you will never see that document again. But, if you are simply clearing the bytes that make up that document so you can use them again for another document then you should send it to the Recycle Bin.

It all depends on your point of view. Are you deleting the document or recycling the bytes that make up the document? Maybe it should be renamed the disposal facility. I just don't know, maybe Al Gore does...

Please don't kill me...

If you have turned on the news at all in recent weeks, then you have undoubtedly seen something about the Danish cartoon depicting Muhammed and the related violence. The Quran, Islam's holiest book, condemns idolatry, but has no direct condemnations of pictorial art. Direct prohibitions of pictorial art, or any depiction of sacred figures, are found in certain hadiths, or recorded oral traditions.

Well if these Muslims are so devout in their beliefs that they would kill someone over a cartoon, then aren't they being very hypocritical? I mean, how do they even know what Muhammed looks like if it is blashpemous to even create or look at depictions of Muhammed? Maybe the cartoons are just of some Arab guy. Or maybe they are of me when I have my thick beard. Or maybe one of the guys from ZZ Top. Viva Las Vegas!

Change for a Dollar?

You know how a lot of restaurants have the framed one dollar bill on the wall commemorating the first dollar the restaurant ever made? Honestly, what are the chances that the first transaction the restaurant made was for only a dollar? Do restaurants even sell stuff for less than a dollar? I mean, I doubt some guy went in and just ordered a coke.

America the Singular?

A very interesting thought crossed my mind while watching the national anthem last night during Super Bowl XL. And no, it wasn't that I hate Pittsburgh, the Steelers, and especially Steelers fans. It had to do with the good old U.S. of A. We all know (well some of us do) that there were 13 colonies and Delaware was the first colony to ratify the Constitution and become a state, followed by Pennsylvania. The dates were December 7, 1787 for Delaware and December 12, 1787 for Pennsylvania. So my question is this: What was America called during that 5 day period? It couldn't be the United States of America because there was only one state. Was it the United State of America?

Footnote: I have been trying to research this but to no avail. If any of my avid readers are history majors (good luck with that one) or history buffs (congrats on becoming a buff), then please let me know if you have any info on this topic.

(Update: 2/9/06)

I emailed a guy named Don Higginbotham, a history professor at the University of North Carolina, who specializes in colonial American history. He had no idea. Oh well, I guess it will remain a mystery.